Posted - 03/04/2008 : 16:29:04
| s might get long but hear me out..if you dont agree with me fine but I am only sharing with you what has helped me through a desperate period in time...if you dont want to read all of this you can just skip all the way to the bottom..I got through this with in 2 years and only about 8 months or more of medication.
I was going through phycosis such as thought broadcasting, and thought insertion and some other stuff..escuse my lack of knowledge of this..I did come across a page on a mental illness site that described presicely everything I was going through..it started in college when I could swear people on my floor were shouting at me, then the whole building, then the whole damn campus..i started having vivid violent and bloody animations flash through my head which hadnt ever happen before..such as of a particular dorm lady who worked at the office when u walk in the dorm who everybody loved as did I but I started feeling like she was making fun of me to the other students..i would unwillingly vision me cutting her neck off and murdering her..everytime i had this image i can almost swear i heard people saying "wtf, dont hurt miss limebarge, kill that guy"..then id try not to picture that **** in my room then it'd flash again and soon as it happens i would hear more reactions of people shouting..I was never this imaginative.. and i actually would here people yell or react to me..--- thought broadcasting ..an also crazy experience i had was i would say something stupid in my head and i can almost swear i heard a dude walk by my closed door and say "why is ____ saying so and so in his head?"..i forgot what it was i said ..
i wish i had journalled all of my experiences in a notebook because its been so long that i cant remember the graphic details of my episodes. its almost like a dream you have that u dont remember in detail but i wasnt dreaming..this was all REAL.
Man I just wrote alot about my experience with thought insertion but it got erased some how..well it began when i started hearing people talk behind my back, or thought they did by calling me a "gay actor" and saying "u lost your manhood" "man up" "he's so bashfull" and amongst otherthings..why i feel like they were saying this is because i never heard any of these terms my in my whole life..ive heard about people losing there manhood but i never heard of a "gay actor" "man up" or "he's so bashfull" ..ill admit i was a quiet guy who stayed in his shell..i smoked weed heavy and stopped going to class and stayed to myself for weeks upon weeks skipping class not even talking to girls really.. then i swear later in the first semester i said imma start talking to girls i started being called a "bisexual actor" ..again i never heard these phrases in my life why would it just pop in my head? and i used to never be the one that was paranoid or cared what people thought of me.
well i really knew i had changed when i moved from one dorm to another dorm building. mind that i came to this college mentally healthy no paranoia none of that and went trhu most the semester without none of this. i would say whassup to someone in the hall without hearing what they thought of me until i moved out that first dorm and to another dorm and would come back to visit. then when i came back to say whassup to the exact same dude from beforwe or whoever when they walked past i would actually hear what they thought about me. i knew i went crazy then.
so i came home a nervous wreck. started feeling like everybody everywhere was noticing me and my weery low self esteeme insecure behavior and that they were feeding into it and harassing me for it. my perception on my city and environment had changed.
it got really bad when i couldnt get a peace of mind at home i felt like my neighbors were shouting at me trying to get my attention and i would shout back at them. i felt like i was dying inside and my heart would pace unregularly and continue if i didnt get this aggression or forced aggression out so i would shout back at them. my parents were on vacation at this time on there return and they called while i was outside talkin **** to the neighbors sayuing "im outside now..why u too ***** to say sumthin now?!" nobody would respond untill i went inside saying **** like "get the **** outta here your a psychopath, youre just a african" ..well my parents called and i was telling them what was going on and i swear on evrything, you know how the phone frenquency sometimes picks up other convos well i heard some one say "your neighbors reported the cops..stop harassing them, you are phsychotic..if you continue we will take further action" i couldnt beleive that ****. im dead ass serious. so i stopped.
THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD START READING IF U DIDNT CARE TO READ ALL OF THAT!!
these episodes would come and go out of my will. i couldnt take it no more so i started PRAYING. I WAS ASKING GOD WHY i had to go throught his..that i was nevr a bad person which was true . i never hurt anyone. i was always the nice guy who got tooken advantage of for being naieve. i would pray 5 times maybe more times a day trying to make a convanent with God saying if he would take this away from me I will be the best person i can be to make God, my parents, and myself proud of me.
after months of praying something miraculous happened. I started feeling the paranoia go away as i would just talk to God. my heart didnt feel strained like it would when im going thru my episodes of terror. my eyes would dry up. i never cried but they would get watery a little. i just felt better about myself. it was like a healing process.
I SWEAR TO ALL OF YOU WHENEVER I FELL DOWN ON MY KNEES AND JUST PRAYED I FELT A SOOTH TO MY SOUL. I FELT BETTER. I EVEN TOLD GOD THAT.
i was taking zyprexa at the time and it was not helping then i moved on to another medicine that i forget the name of but it wasnt the medicine man becuase when i would feel the overwhelming strain in my heart and fear anger emotional depression i would bow down to my knees and pray and I JUST FELT BETTER MAN. NO BS MAN THIS IS ALL TRUE. Then I stopped using the medicine for some reason. i would forget really and i made it a whole day without the paranoia. then a whole week. then it would come back but then i would pray it would go away. then it would come back. i finally told somerone about what i was going thru and they were really being hard on me telling me i need to just not care about people that theres handicapped people that can barely speak and walk funny who go to school. you see them all the time but do people, i mean MATURE people talk about them, harrass them, tease them or poke fun of them? no..if someone did alot of people would be like "wtf is your problem" defending the handicapped person out of humility. and even homosexuals..well homosexuals get talked about tho..maybe i was looking like a gay guy for not talking to girls and not carrying myself with confidence? I even questioned myself if i was to be honest but i realized i just had really low self esteeme but i love women. i could neevr see myself kissing another male wtf?? and these people think they actually gonna try to turn me out into a homosexual? **** THAT ****..i dont care how much of a loser i made myself look like or a "social reject" a "reject" i often heard that to which was something i had never heard befotre college. i think these people who were judgeing me was trying to place me in whatever catagory they saw fit. and the homosexuals at college werent even getting talked about like that maybe every once in a while by some dumb ignorant group of kids but not by the majority or a large mass of students. ****, not even the known rejects were being talked about no acknowledged.
but yea that helped me too..helped me put things in perspective..im nigerian about 250 5'11 people say i look mean and unapproachable at first..plus ive had grirls from the past that gave me the time of day including alot of my boys i would hang out with..if i was gay they wouldnt be seen in public with me i know how they are. people would think I was a thug or sum **** lol but inside what this girl said "your sweeet and goowey and sensative so you'll be ok" ..**** that ia int trynna be sensative tho lol..but yea i aint gonna lie its true..i take alot to heart sometimes.
this just helped me walk with confidence..but the prayer is was saved my soul..medicine is not the answer..PRAYER IS..I havent been paranoid now for over 6 months or so..GOD IS REAL..DO NOT LOSE YOUR FAITH IN GOD..CALL UPON HIM AND YOU SHALL RECIEVE..TAKE ONE STEP TO HIM HE WILL TAKE 5 STEPS TOWARDS U. BUT U CANT JUST PRAY TO HIM WHEN YOU ARE IN NEED. YOU HAVE TO PRAY FOR OTHERS TOO. YOU CANT BE SELFISH. YOU HAVE TO ALSO MAKE A CONVENANT WITH HIM. WHATEVER U DOING WRONG IN YOUR LIFE WORK ON FIXING IT AND I PROMISE YOU GOD WILL WORK WITH YOU..THATS MY WORD YALL. I PROMISE YOU THIS.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL,
I WILL START HAVING U ALL IN MY PRAYERS BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
Posted - 03/04/2008 : 19:39:13
Originally posted by davidt
Dear 'Solution' ....
May I butt in here, and say, with all due respect, we are primarily a mental health facility, and not, I repeat not, a "God" slot as the panacea to all ills.
Not so very long ago, a member was expelled because of their religious fervor.
I, and I'm quite sure many others here, respect you point of view, but I hasten to add, most of us also, would have subscribed to a faith healing website if that is what spoke best to our condition.
The simple fact is, it does not! We rely on medical science to support us, through our difficulties .... in conjunction with talk therapy of a very different sort to what you are advocating.
The fact is, that not everyone has your conviction. There are members here who have faith, in many different religions, and those that do not.
Please respect that!
Yours in community friendship, David
If you work these communities ... there's a good chance these communities will work for you!
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
Posted - 04/02/2009 : 22:25:08
| Hey Solution,
I think that faith does play an important part in many people's recovery process (it helped me for sure) but I have to agree with David and Herculese21, while it might have helped you I don't think that pills alone could be a working alternative to medication and therapy. You mention in your post that you were smoking a lot of chronic when all this started happening, out of curiosity did you give it up when you came to God? Often Marijuana has a major role in causing psychotic behaviour in some people if it's abused. Obviously your faith is very important to you and it's helped you a good deal but to say that medication is not the answer might be painting with broad strokes. I know for a fact that if it weren't for medication and psychiatric therapy I wouldn't be healthy right now, in fact I might not even be alive. I lost a good friend because he chose to tough his illness out without medication and he lost everything, his parents kicked him out of their house, most of his friends totally abandoned him and he ended up committing suicide in a slum hotel.
Prayer can be very helpful, it can give a person comfort and God does exist, and He does answer prayers but He does it different for everyone, what worked for you doesn't mean it will work for everyone.
As for your issues with gay people I'm just not sure what to say about that. Some of the greatest Christians I have ever met are openly gay, I'm not sure how to react to that part of your post.
One thing for sure is I'm glad you were able to find so much healing from your faith.
Born in the 80's,
grew up in the 90's,
lost my mind at the Millenium.