Serine
Starting Member
20 Posts Gratitude: 7
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Posted - 05/07/2008 : 16:11:46
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I find that because of my delusion of the universe leading me to save the planet from humanity, I have been on several antipsychotics... Risperadol, serequel, oh and others but I cant think of their names. Well I seem to react to these antipsychotics by crashing into a psychotic suicidal depression. I start to recieve all these paranoid ideas that people hate me, absolutly despise me, and that everybody would be better off without me because I am just sick and stepping on toes. These shadows start to hunt me, and I think that all the evil in the universe is trying to destroy me so that I cannot accomplish greatness. These thoughts are put into my head that my kids would be better off without me, that life would be better for them. Well that puts the stop to my reasoning and because I do everything for my kids in a million ways more than thrice, I feel I needed to off myself for real and no fooling around. Well this is when I got hospitalized the last time it happened and started ECT treatments. Now I am unable to take antipsychotics lest suffer debilitating depression, and the ECT treatments have not cured me, so now I think it is all real, my mission. But on the same token I think that I am just so severly $%&**( up and with no where to turn... I have bipolar so I rapid cycle daily and I am so very very very very very tired of it all. I am currently writing a book of my escapades, unsure of if it will be published because of its graphic content, but it feels so good to get it down after keeping it bottled up. But my family consideres it a symptom of my illness and I have to hide it, and I feel so paranoid of hearing footsteps in the hall, and it makes me so mad that I cant just sit and write for twenty hours a day, so naaow it is like secret and bad and all that, so I just spend all day just writing it in my head. Thats healthy. I cant get away from this infliction I cant get away. I think if I studied the theories of thopughts and perception that I might just be able to analyze my way out of it... and save the others. My depression is when I cannot take my delusions anymore. When I fall into depression I become psychotic whether it is antipsychotic induced or not, for in my state of weakness, that is when all the darkness swoops down to finish me off. The shadows become like vultures just taunting me and prodding me to die. The shadows will not kill me, they wait for me to kill myself.
So that is it, I imagine this does not council anybody in any way, offering any insights into how to strengthen onesself against the darkness of suicidal depression... But I am still living and if I can find a way to keep on keeping on, we all can. |
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cjfallon
Starting Member
2 Posts |
Posted - 07/17/2008 : 10:42:29
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I once had suicidal thoughts put into me and I made a suicidal attempt. I had severe dumbness which I can only decribe as having a stroke. I was put on to clozapine and had no problems with suicidal thoughts, have you tried it? If you do take Lithium Carbonate to increase your white blood cell count as Clozapine depleats it. I wasn't given Lithium carbonate and got a red signal with my white blood cell count (they did blood tests when it was prescribed), had to come off clozapine and then had problems again. My suicidal problems have gone, with just time I guess but my voices have not and I have some dumbness whihc keeps me from running, I therefore decided to self medicate and this time make sure I take Lithium Carbonate. |
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r2c3
New Member
84 Posts Gratitude: 38
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Posted - 01/17/2010 : 20:23:25
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Hi I can empasize with you,i rapid cycle with bipolar and spend more time depressed than high,the meds reduce the highs and the lows are just that i am now nearly 12 months since i was last hospitalized and i am feeling reasonably stable,i take many meds and i guess this is what is keeping me stable,i do keep waiting for it to end but i also try to keep positive,i believed my kids would be better of without me,and i also know it would be devastating for them if i did die. I hope you can find some peace from the racket,i concentrate on my breathing a lot to distract myself for a busy brain. its not easy but this is a great place to communicate with people who suffer the same sort of things be kind to yourself Richard
Open mindedness is often cofused with weakness of character. PK Shaw |
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