Posted - 12/19/2008 : 19:28:16
| Ok so this illness is said to strike during 20's around the time people are establishing there independance, often a time of high stress and anxiety as the person realises they need to understand everything about the adult world and be able to look after themselves without assistance, they start thinking differently, taking things more seriously, and often begin abusing illicet druggs as well, usually accompanied by some kind of trauma.
For me this couldnt be more true, I went straight from high school without a break and discided to begin a career for myself, I chose to do the speed course because I was up to it,was the first time I'd ever taken anything academic seriously, I was abusing pott more than ever before, and had taken xtc a couple of times leading up to it, nothing seriouse had happend, but I did have some delusional thinking on and off without psychosis or actual skizophrenia. I was only getting 4 hours of sleep every night or less, then going into the big city on my own everyday for a few weeks catching the train which I hated, I had some big anxieties about the trains and I was in a real sensitive way. The trauma for me was some slow techno trance music I was playing constantly in the background at home out of habbit, the kind of music I haddn't realised, but it was like dooms day music and kept going on and on about the end of the world or something, lots of subliminals to make people paranoid and nervouse about the future, it was disgusting yet interesting at the same time, some nice effects in the music but so so twisted, and I think it just tormented the back of my mind without me realising it and gradually worked it's way to the front, it made it sooo godam hard to study at home, and I didn't realise what was causing the stress, coz I was just so used to the music playing all the time.
I got through the couple of weeks and even passed my exams, just.
I then went out to a rave party which my brother was working for the lighting company there and I was just gona help him with packing up at the end because he hurt his back, we both took like half an E, which he seemed kinda upset about something unkown at the time, it did nothing, I just fogot about it and it had no effect, so I took another half one, went out into the car for a smoke, where my bro put in a tape of a mix with the same doom music on it, I was looking into the darkenss in the carpark infront, and I started freakin out coz it just looked so black and everything was silent, I said something in my own mind in words (which I have only ever done on occasion), something like "omg holy crap" and bam I heard like this sped up boys voice jump in my head and was like saying something, I dunno what, but I just said "f this, lets get out, I need to go inside, I need to get out!" to my bro in a panic, and tried to run from it and lose it in the party. Ok so thats where it broke for me, I know I had several cchances to make a full recovery from the initial break, but I kept smoking weed which braught it back until now I am stuck with it.
I might have taken an iron tablet that night, so I wonder sometimes if the increased oxygen to my brain from the iron tablet and the speed and coke they put in the xtc which speeds up respitory rate might have damaged my brain., just a thought. Even today I can't have iron tablets and I am off beef atm.
I had also been abusing cola for a long while, was addicted and drank nothing but cola 24/7 for ages, no water, another contributing factor, and I think I took creatine a bodybuilding suppllement which speeds up metabolism and respitory rate and makes you hold more water than normal.
So yeah, the cause is always seems to be an overload of many contributing factors over a period of time until a final and/or continual rebrakage, we are all different in how much of these things we are able to tolerate in the first place, some people are much stronger than others.
Actually looking back now, It kinda makes me laugh, coz I can see clearly how hardcore I was on myself and it makes me realise I am probably one of the strongest people in the world in the first place, and if just about anyone did what I did to myself, they would most certainly have developed a psychiatric illness of somesort.
So yeah trauma, I'l say, even if you are unaware of it partly due to the unawareness itself as being part of the system of tollerance.
It's like when you put of frogg in a boiling pot of water, it will just jump out, but if you put it in a pott of cold water and gradually turn up the heat, it will in fact boil to death, heck, it may even enjoy it along the way.
I knew I was jumping into hot water, I never expected it to boil on me.
Self Defence for the mind, some of us find it harder, to NOT take action.