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Schizophrenia Community
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TritonTitan
Starting Member
34 Posts
Gratitude: 8
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 Posted - 12/21/2009 : 20:36:35
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Hello World/ Hola el Mundo
Last year I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Episodes (That's what the psych who ruled said) But I guess it's also called Psychotic Features or Psychotic Major Depression.
I was committed because of homicidal ideation. I never had or said I had any hallucinations or hearing voices.
I saw a psychiatrist for once after my release, but he manipulated me into doing some things against my will so i never went back. I've been off meds for 9 months and I've been feeling great. I've only been severely depressed three times in those 9 months. and that's because of situations...if i didn't feel something; then, it would be really weird.
The thing that gets me is I still have homicidal ideation. I have thoughts of harming others every day. Let me describe it.
For example, 5 years ago in high school I guy was rude to me on the bus, and I imagined stabbing him in the neck with a pen til blood spilled everywhere. Or a guy in a coffee shop was mean to me, so i imagined running a knife through his chest and bashing his face into a car. This used to make me depressed, but it doesn't make me feel depressed. BTW I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION OF DOING ANY OF THIS!! IT'S NOT EVEN CONTEMPLATION. I AM NOT GOING TO HARM ANYONE OR MYSELF!!
Actually, It doesn't make me depressed, but if I am depressed from outside issues the homicidal thoughts amplify it. for example, i lost a close friend today, so ive been feeling like crap. and it's stronger.
my question: Does anyone live with constant homicidal thoughts? If so what is it like? I really just want to know what other people feel. Like I said, I feel great, like im at a level 8 out of 10 most days.
I didn't mean for this to be so long.  |
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| khaz
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
8301 Posts
Gratitude: 471
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Posted - 12/22/2009 : 20:50:46
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We get used to Suicidal and homicidal ideation.
We ARE NOT WELL.
We require medical supervision.
We require medication.
At least if things go pear shaped for me I just waste myself.
You have a thought disorder that can be treated.You may be a ticking time bomb. |
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| TritonTitan
Starting Member
34 Posts
Gratitude: 8
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Posted - 12/22/2009 : 21:26:13
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hey khaz, thank you for responding for the topic.
However, in response I am getting used to it. I am not in any discomfort or pain, so at the present time I am not going to seek medical attention.
From what I've read, Homicidal ideation is not a disease itself, nor are Automatic Negative Thoughts. It's just something that happens in the head. Medication did nothing for me. The only successful thing to do was to deal with the issues bothering me, and having successful lifestyle choices.
When I was in the hospital they had me convinced that I was a time bomb, but now I see it differently.
I just wanted to hear some responses. Thank you. |
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| Calliedosh
Starting Member
1 Posts |
Posted - 01/08/2010 : 11:35:38
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| Thank goodness I found this site. My thoughts are very similar to yours.I get daily feelings about wanting to stab/shoot people.i've been in hospital several times but not for 9 years.I take Abilify mostdays when I can remember.good to hear I'm not the only one |
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| loggedin
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3838 Posts
Gratitude: 309
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Posted - 02/11/2010 : 14:53:24
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They sound like fantasies to me. If you can deal with them (they're not distressing to you) and you don't act on them, it sounds to me like you're fine. You certainly sound like they're not bothering you.
You know, if people are rude, either their just having a bad day, or they're unhappy people and they just can't be nice to others. Neither deserve to be killed for it. I know you said you're not going to; my point is, that for me at least, when I realize it's not personal toward me then I don't feel like I'm being attacked, so I don't get as angry. (Although I have had homicidal thoughts based on nothing that's happening in the world - just in my head). The other possibility regarding rude people is that they are just mean, and I think (not that I instantly know what everyone is like) they have to go home with themselves and live with themselves and their meanness. I only have to put up with them for a minute or two.
Basically, I think of it as their problem, which it is.
Let yourself believe that we are born innocent -Sarah McLachlin |
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| TritonTitan
Starting Member
34 Posts
Gratitude: 8
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Posted - 03/18/2010 : 12:52:26
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quote:
Originally posted by khaz
We get used to Suicidal and homicidal ideation.
We ARE NOT WELL.
We require medical supervision.
We require medication.
i do not find that saying things like this is productive, because it assumes that everyone with this pattern is the same. I don't like using the word "We" when dealing with issues like that.
And as I said, homicidal ideation by itself is not a disease. It is my understanding and belief that a Psychiatrist can make a misdiagnosis. Personally, I feel that I simply have Homicidal Ideation, Automatic Negative thoughts, or even possibly Seasonal Affective Disorder. And if that is the case, medication will be a waste of time.
I do not see it as Psychosis, and I've spent more time with me than the diagnosing Psych.
I've now been off of meds for over a year, and things are going fine....more than fine, better tha never really. I still have homicidal ideation, but I know not to act on it. That is why I question the diagnosis. |
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| ttaurean30
Super Member (250+ posts)
722 Posts
Gratitude: 97
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Posted - 03/24/2010 : 15:15:48
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| I only think of harming myself. Some days its like a internal struggle to not hurt myself. |
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| spirit
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1055 Posts
Gratitude: 168
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Posted - 03/25/2010 : 08:37:17
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| Like ttaurean30, it’s only myself I think of harming. The thought of hurting someone else is repugnant to me. It has never even crossed my mine. |
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| TritonTitan
Starting Member
34 Posts
Gratitude: 8
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Posted - 03/25/2010 : 10:19:00
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quote:
Originally posted by ttaurean30
I only think of harming myself. Some days its like a internal struggle to not hurt myself.
And for spirit,
My question: Would you ever act on these ideas? (i mean, ever)
Also, are you on meds? If not, how do you deal with it?
I am just asking because I know some people with similar ideations. As for me, I used to think of harming myself when I was depressed. But that has subsided. It's been 15 months, since I was depressed and 14 months since I stopped taking meds.
Things are going great now, but I know some others who aren't doing as well?
How do you cope with the suicidal ideation?
How I handled depression was to remove the factor that was making me depressed. I lived in a lousy environment surrounded by negative people, now I live back home, and it turns out it is so much better. Privacy and comfort and all that. I still have homicidal ideation, almost everyday, but it doesn't make me depressed. |
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| spirit
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1055 Posts
Gratitude: 168
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Posted - 03/25/2010 : 11:29:04
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Hey TT;
I take lithium and Invega. As for suicidal ideations, when I think of suicide I think of who will take care of my cat, and so I generally put it off till later. When I was much younger, I would cut myself, and I have tried suicide a couple of times. As for would I, time will tell.
I don’t know what makes me depressed. Maybe the future. The prospect of being old and sick and poor. But I can’t remove the future except by suicide. My present situation is almost inviable. I have my own home with a big yard. Work very little. I have plenty of toys. I do live alone, so I could use better friends who would come visit when I’m down.
Your homicidal ideation is disturbing. You should work to put it into perspective, Is it rage or an intellectual process. I find it very hard to understand or sympathize with. You might do with a better sense of self worth. Hurting others would be a great tragedy to yourself. |
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| Mike412
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3633 Posts
Gratitude: 61
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Posted - 03/25/2010 : 14:43:05
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I think it's normal for a person to think about hurting someone physically after they've been hurt emotionally-we have feelings-I haven't or would I act on it,I would never hurt anyone inless it was the heat of the moment self defence and wouldn't hurt a woman under any circumstances. I've watched a lot of violent tv,video games etc.-not a hippy, I write violent stories like stephen king and all them guys. When I think of suicide I think things like this world might be the only one I'll ever know, this life could be all I ever have, I don't want to end it before it's over, praise my maker if you can hear me please help me, I want to live, I want to be happy, I don't want to be hurt I don't want to hurt anybody, think of the good times etc. things which give me pleasure-sometimes all that's hard but I try. I've learned a lot about self control and self discipline in different areas, I don't let people get to me like I used to. Sometimes that's just what they want they feel good about themselves by making others feel bad, screw them. |
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| TritonTitan
Starting Member
34 Posts
Gratitude: 8
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Posted - 03/25/2010 : 15:43:00
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Spirit,
May I ask why you find the homicidal ideation disturbing?
There is no rage. I mean, I can't rule out all thoughts of Anger.
My ideation is all about the past, and never the future. It's like, if someone has hurt my feelings recently, I imagine the scenario again and see how it would be if I harmed them. You don't seem to realize that I am not depressed, and I am not planning to act on this.
So, I am not looking for any sympathy from anyone, only from myself and from God.
As for homicidal ideation, it is a process that is not understood. Basically, it happens, and that is that. Would a doctor agree with me? Heck no, but I have to make my own views too.
HERE IS THE FACT: If you have homicidal ideation, you are not a FREAK! And therefore, there is no reason to be disturbed by someone who mentions it. It is not psychosis, and it is not schizophrenia. (you shouldn't shun someone for having a mental condition of any kind actually)
My point is...I live with homicidal ideation, and I am not "Disabled" I am not on Meds, but I am a Dean's List student....I can do anything that someone who doesn't experience this phenomena can.
If you have homicidal ideation, you could go to a doctor if you choose to; however, if you don't. You are not doing anything wrong, because it's not a disease.
@Mike412
That's the right idea. Screw them. |
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| spirit
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1055 Posts
Gratitude: 168
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Posted - 03/26/2010 : 09:02:42
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Hey TT:
Probably the main reason I am so negative on the idea is people are disturbed enough by the thought of me being schizophrenic. If they thought I had homicidal ideation too, they would avoid me like the plague and possibly run me out of town. I don’t fault you your feelings and thoughts. I am applying them to myself for perspective.
your friend;
spirit |
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| Jonathan90125
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
4098 Posts
Gratitude: 276
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Posted - 03/26/2010 : 09:58:00
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I have this sort of thing a bit too.
Life is difficult, Life is complex:= M.Scott Peck |
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| TritonTitan
Starting Member
34 Posts
Gratitude: 8
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Posted - 03/26/2010 : 11:16:15
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Spirit,
you are right, people judge homicidal ideation poorly. they immediately lump it with psychosis or schizophrenia.
I told a psychologist about it, and she was scared to death and had me committed. but it was partly my fault because i did not know how to present something like this. but that is a crazy story for another time.
@jonathan if you have it too, it happens. that's what i've learned. it's something that happens in the brain. I mean, if you are your best judge. if you feel that it's attached to depression. or you are hearing voices then it would be wise to go to a doctor....but if you only think about it, and have no depression, rage , or life interference it might not help seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. they would just label you as something else and give you 3 new medications that might be damage your mind and nervous system. |
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| chieftan
Starting Member
6 Posts
Gratitude: 7
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Posted - 09/09/2010 : 06:01:06
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Good to know I'm not the only one. I have been having homicidal thoughts for almost 10 years...went away for awhile but now they are back. I am taking Zoloft and Wellbutrin and they worked for a bit but know...well now I am writing this. I have been having these thoughts on hurting my children I have two wonderful boys and I do not want to do these things nor have I even come close to. But my biggest fear is that I will become some monster that will not be able to know right from wrong. I have had these thoughts all the time and they never bothered me like this. These are not anger driven..actully when I get angry the thoughts go away or don't bother me as much. I went to my former doc last year and told them these thoughts and he had a cop show up and throw me into a chrisis center which made things worse.
I love my family and they are my world. I know why I am having these thoughts...Depression, stress, money issues.. etc. I just want to be the man I was a few weeks ago. I know these will pass and writing these lines is helping that, but there is always a fear of dread in my mind that it wont.... |
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Homicidal Thoughts.
