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lowlyworm
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2755 Posts
Gratitude: 147
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 Posted - 03/01/2010 : 01:50:29
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I am writing this to help clarify it to myself and also get it off my chest as I have never told anyone my whole story. If you find it helpful in your own struggle than I am truly glad and wish you all the best. Feel free to post with your own experiences, I find great strength in reading others stories.
I guess my psychosis started when I had a conversation with my dad about child abuse. We were discussing someone that he knew but I started to feel like we were talking about me. Over the next couple of weeks I began to think that I had been abused as a child (this later turned out to be untrue). I began being flooded with memories of my childhood, some of these memories were real and some of them were creations of my mind but at that time I couldn’t tell the difference. I spent all of my time wracking my brains trying to figure out what had happened to me. I became obsessed, combing family photos, googling people that I had known as a child, having lengthy conversations with family members about various events that had happened. At one point I actually went to a police station and asked them if it was on record.
At the same time I started getting suspicious about people that were in my life, and became more and more paranoid. I thought my landlord was out to get me for example. I was a ridiculously heavy pot smoker at the time smoking almost constantly when I wasn’t working. I started getting more and more spaced out to the point where I would be driving and forget where I was going. Eventually about a month after this started things really got out of hand. I stopped going to work because I thought my boss was trying to kill me. I didn’t sleep for 2 days and all I thought about the whole time was these horrible memories of abuse and the fear that people were trying to kill me. I heard a voice tell me that my grandpa had died (which wasn’t the case). The next day my friend took me to the hospital.
When I went into the hospital I got so much worse. I had so many different delusions I don’t even think I can remember them all.
- I thought that my boyfriend and a bunch of other people that I had contact with were secretly twins and were pretending to be one person by trading places with each other all the time. I thought that I had a twin that was copying my tattoos so she could kill me and take my place.
- I thought that people were trying to kill me by poisoning my food or smothering me in my sleep. Because of this I barely ate anything for days and would walk laps of the hallways at night to keep myself from falling asleep.
- I thought that people wanted to kidnap me because my grandpa was secretly in the mafia and now that he was dead they were coming after his decendants. I thought my family was in the witness protection program and were secretly living down the hall.
- I thought that people could read my mind. This really scared me because of the pot related illegal activity that I was involved in I thought that they were going to throw me in jail when they read my mind and found out about it.
- I thought that there were cameras following me everywhere.
- I thought that everyone that was on the mental illness ward was actually an actor that was there so they could try and convince me that there was something wrong with me.
- One night they gave me sleeping pills and in the morning I thought that I was in an identical hospital on the other side of the country and they’d flown me there in my sleep.
- I thought that my doctor was trying to create a race of people that could read minds by impregnating the people in the hospital while they slept and then stealing their babies.
- I thought that aliens had landed and were planning to take over the world. I saw a couple of visual hallucinations of beings of light sneaking across the hallway. I believed that it was up to me to save the world and there were people that were trying to help me but they had to help me in secret. Because of this everything I looked at I thought it was a clue that I had to figure out that would help me to win. I followed instructions from people that I thought were beaming the instructions into my head. It wasn’t like I could actually hear their voices it was that I would get a thought and just know it was what I had to do because “they” told me to do it. Because of this I would do strange things like walk up and down the hallway and then sit in a particular chair for a certain number of seconds and then walk to another place and do another thing.
- I barely had the concentration to read or watch tv but when I tried to I thought that everything that they said was about me or a secret message aimed at me.
There were several other delusional type thoughts that I had but those were the main ones. To say that these delusions caused me distress is an understatement, I was in a state of almost constant panic.
As soon as I arrived in the hospital they told me I had psychosis and they put me on a *****tail of anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills. They tried all kinds of things that I can’t remember clearly but nothing helped in the least until about a week in they started me on olanzapine and I responded almost immediately. Within several days I realized that my memories of abuse were completely false and many of my delusions faded away. Several of my delusions persisted but within a week I was back at home and showing drastic improvement. Within a month I was completely free of positive symptoms. My negative symptoms were ongoing. I tried to go back to work right away but I kept having panic attacks and breaking down and eventually went on medical disability for a few months do give myself time to recover. I gradually stopped smoking pot which was very difficult to quit. After that I did very well with the exception of the sedating effect of the medication which left me tired all the time and I slept for at least 12 hours every night and sometimes much more. Also I had major problems with weight gain because of the meds and gained 75 pounds in a year. A year after the psychosis my docs switched me to paliperidone because of the weight gain I was experiencing on the olanzapine. I felt much less tired after that and began to be able to lose some of the weight. I was almost completely back to normal except for not feeling as mentally sharp as I had been before the psychosis.
A year after they switched my meds (about 2 months ago) I started to get delusional thoughts again. They weren’t as severe as before, they were more thoughts that I couldn’t push out of my head than true beliefs. I thought that people could read my mind and that I was being videotaped everywhere. I felt myself slowly getting worse and my mental sharpness declining. I began having panic attacks and anxiety again. Right now I have good days and bad. Some days I feel almost “normal” and other days my thoughts are flying around and I can barely concentrate on anything. When I go out in public I am terrified of people. I am scared to think my true thoughts because I am afraid that people can hear them and so I will try and look at something boring and think about that to block my mind. I’ve made an appointment with my doc to try and get help but they couldn’t see me for a few weeks so I’m still waiting for my appointment in a couple of days. I’ll post an update once I know what’s going on.
That ended up being crazy long but it was very theraputic to get that out. If you've made it this far thank you for reading it, and feel free to post your own story.
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5726 Posts
Gratitude: 435
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Posted - 03/08/2010 : 21:28:10
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Great thanks for posting this.
Helped me deal with the memories of my own psychosis.
I have posted my story already in this area.
Cheers
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| khaz
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
8301 Posts
Gratitude: 471
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Posted - 03/08/2010 : 23:40:16
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Is'nt it amazing how so many of us has similar experiences.
Yes I thought my room mate was twins...working for the American govt....that way they could special me 24/7.
Then low and behold one day she squatted down( here we call it showing your plumbers crack) and she had an american flag G string (thong) tatooed on her nether regions.
Reality.....is stranger than fiction.
Khaz |
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| Chris
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1773 Posts
Gratitude: 268
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Posted - 03/09/2010 : 11:37:56
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my story is too long to post in detail so I won't but thank you for sharing it really is amazing how similar some of these symptoms are to what I went through. I guess that's just more proof that it really is a mental illness and not the world going crazy all around us.
Anarchy and Peace |
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| lowlyworm
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2755 Posts
Gratitude: 147
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Posted - 03/11/2010 : 20:55:34
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Thank you for your replies guys.  It is comforting to hear that others have gone through similar experiences. It's amazing that even thoughts that are so strange are not unique! |
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| bakbazz
Starting Member
14 Posts
Gratitude: 5
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Posted - 06/11/2010 : 18:17:42
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| Thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to so many things that you described. The hospital set up, reading minds and prison to list some of them. This was really helpful. |
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| Boonrepus
Starting Member
9 Posts
Gratitude: 3
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Posted - 07/26/2010 : 17:48:53
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| Thanks for your post, nice to know I'm not the only one that had some really odd beliefs of old haha... :) |
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| paigey
Starting Member
26 Posts
Gratitude: 3
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Posted - 10/28/2010 : 04:45:10
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I think i might of suffered this when i was younger im actaully convinced this is my second time round.
-i had a few hallucinations of people i knew and missed that i would talk to .I saw things like bugs dropping all around me.
- i believed god was trying to kill me even though im not religous .
- i believed the world was going to end (if you experienced this talk to me)
- extreme meomory loss and lack of concentration
- belief i was being filmed
- seeing my own death
- fear i was being poisoned/ people putting bleach in my bath
- horrific nightmares
- self harm
there may be other things but i cant remember. this all started when i was around nine . it stoppped for a bit and i got it back when i was 13 im now 14 . please reply to this , paige
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| lowlyworm
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2755 Posts
Gratitude: 147
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Posted - 10/28/2010 : 19:36:12
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| That sounds very scary paige, I wish there was something I could do to help you. It's best that you discuss these feelings with your doctor as there are things that they can do to help you feel better again. I haven't had the belief that the world was going to end, so I don't know what that is like but imagine it would be very scary. I had a related thing where I thought aliens were trying to take over the world. lowly |
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| paigey
Starting Member
26 Posts
Gratitude: 3
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Posted - 10/29/2010 : 08:14:55
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| It was very scary , id cry myself to sleep everynight . what was the alien thing like for you ? |
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| lowlyworm
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2755 Posts
Gratitude: 147
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Posted - 10/30/2010 : 22:08:20
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| I thought aliens were trying to take over the world. I thought it was up to me to save the world. I saw beings made of light sneaking across the hospital hallway and I thought that they were aliens. One time when I was on leave from the hospital and at home a fly was in the house and I thought it was an alien spaceship spying on me. I was very scared. |
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| Dboy
Starting Member
36 Posts
Gratitude: 3
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Posted - 06/21/2012 : 02:01:34
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Thanks for sharing. That's similar to what happened to me. The weed out there is not as pure as it used to be.
I've gotten psychosis twice now. Both times substance-induced. The first time I did a lot of cocaine, mdma, mushrooms, meth and weed. The second time it was only from weed. I thought that 'softer' drugs like marijuana wouldn't cause it. I guess I was wrong.
Both of my experiences with psychosis were similar. I was overly paranoid and thought everyone (especially the people closest to me) were out to get me. I thought people were trying to poison me, that my whole family was crazy, that I was a genius, that I was possessed by the devil, that I had OCD, that I had other mental problems, that I was an amazing rapper, that my boyfriend raped me, that others have raped me, that I was addicted to drugs I never did (like heroin)..etc. My first psychosis was much worse in the sense that it caused me to act more insane (I was overly emotional, I screamed a lot, I resisted the hospital staff..) than the second time (I was more indecisive the second time but acted less irrationally).
My doctor has told me to stay away from all drugs. He said that I am very sensitive to getting psychosis again. I might get it permanently (chronic).
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| aspierob
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1119 Posts
Gratitude: 88
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Posted - 06/21/2012 : 14:29:46
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My Pdoc told me that my psychosis was due to all the drugs i did when i was younger, especially since i got it so late in life . when i had my psychosis , i thought everyone was spying on me and reporting my every move to the government , i thought every car with dark windows had a camera trained on me , I thought government agents were transporting into my room when i wasn't there , and they were poisoning the hot dogs i would get at the convenience store, I would only eat half of it , and throw the other half away . I heard voices warning me of ridiculous danger . The day i was hiding under my desk at work because i was so paranoid was the day i knew i needed help ! the next day i went to a free psychiatric clinic. they put me on zyprexa which helped with the paranoia , but i was still hearing the voices and getting panic attacks . i made an appointment with a private Pdoc who gave me risperdal which took away the voices and the panic attacks .
there is a fine line between genius and insanity , if you can learn to walk the line , you can rule the world .unfortunately i keep falling into the insanity side |
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| guru
Super Member (250+ posts)
288 Posts
Gratitude: 51
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Posted - 03/11/2013 : 04:30:57
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Totally relate:
I thought I was spied on, hunted by underground police agencies, and even got involved with them, negotiating my 'release.' I felt notably helpless and powerless.
I thought I was poisoned with medication. That my gastritis and diabetes were drug-induced by the system.
I also thought I was drugged in excess to be silenced, alienatedly sedate, and possibly killed.
I thought 'the enforcers' were flagging me down in order to get to my family. These enforcers were directly involved with C.I.A. mafias and Interpol black brigades and political police. I felt I would disappear in a body bag or be thrown into jail.
I also believed in an alien invasion, namely of a dark planet 'X' or Nibiru - Grateful Dead's 'dark star' - that was approaching Earth and had contact with the ruling castes in order to destroy humanity. I was the 'Messiah' of the story, a kind of Zeitgeist renegade.
I also avoided television and radio, 'cos I thought they were sending subliminal messages to strike fear and reprogram me, and use methods of hypnosis and suggestion.
I thought the 'enforcer mafia' had secret methods to screen my thoughts, like those in Orwell's 1984. Even with risperdal and olanzapine I shy away from people because I cannot snap out of believing my mind is read constantly, by friend or foe, and far away or nearby such as street passers, or GPS or satellite tagging.
I became very frightful of people, and shied away in my later years to a hermit's world, with few outside contact.
I believed the world was a forthcoming Apocalypse of all sorts of clandestine wars of underground secret police forces clashing with each other: Intelligence wars. And political wars involving secret orders and societies.
I also believed I had been abused as a child, but in my case I cannot be certain if it happened or not-I will never know.
Again-I still have these symptoms, albeit in a lesser degree, but still have them ever present even with medication.
I find it very difficult to sit in a classroom or restaurant or any type of social gathering or assembly without sparking these broadcast thoughts; so I start practicing yoga and prayer to try to block as much paranoia as possible, but the pain and anxiety is there no matter what......
Sometimes I think I was cursed from birth, and believe I suffer so 'cos I am a fallen angel......
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| fleurette
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
3282 Posts
Gratitude: 292
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Posted - 03/23/2013 : 19:13:38
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Lowlyworm, thank you for posting that description of when you were ill. How many years ago was that. When I suffered from a relapse in 2012 I also thought that I was abused as a child. Isn't it not so funny how our minds can believe something that never occured to us but we believe it to be so true at the time?
If I could remember all my delusions I would share them here but most of them I have forgotten. |
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| warbird
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
100629 Posts |
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My experience with psychosis.
