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been told to give up on husband, should I give up

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faithfullf
Starting Member

3 Posts
Gratitude: 3

Posted - 02/09/2006 : 20:29:58

hi my name is Lora and I have tried everything and more to get my husband and partner of 13 years, separated for this last year to get the help that he needs, but so far is refusing. I don't know how hard it is to accept and come to terms with your own mental illness, but according to his best friend that hasn't seen him in about 4 to 5 years that my husband just wants to be left alone to live his life the way that he wants to and I should just let him go and do it. His firend insists that there is no mental illness and my husband myself and my two children ages 12 and 10 know different. According to his friend, I don't know him as well as he does and never will and when my husband acts this way he has always ran and I should just let him do it. I love him so much and I see him suffering with the voices and noise in his head. I can tell when he can't sleep, he comes to my house and sleeps on the couch.
I am a financial reck, We have decalred personal bankrupsey, I am being evicted, I have shut off notices on everything and asside from my children, I have lost everything that is important to me. All of it is repacaeable accept my husband. The sad part is that we still love each other but at this point he cannot show it outwardly, however he has mad a few slips lately and I did get an I love you.

But all aside, should I give up on the best person I know because of what most people are telling me or do I listen to my heart, it seems to know the truth.
I am positive that he has schizophrenia or something like it but he will not take the steps that he needs to do what he needs to do for him.

My heart is so broken and I am so destroyed I don't know what to do anymore.
Please someone anyone words of encouragement for me or my husband or do I just walk away and let him suffer alone like he wants to.

adam
Super Member (250+ posts)

475 Posts
Gratitude: 20

Posted - 02/09/2006 : 21:50:06

No you shouldn't give up on him.

faithfullf
Starting Member

3 Posts
Gratitude: 3

Posted - 02/10/2006 : 23:11:23

thanks alot for the small push in the right direction but I have faught for a whole year long and hard and maybe giving up for a while might be in mine and my children's best interest.

I have put him in jail and I have tried real hard to reach him. I have faught and argued with him I have faught and argued with medical professionals. One even told me that I have to leave him alone and when starvation kicks in to a certain degree, then he will get sick enough and end up in the hospital. How much of a blow to the chest is that, it took the wind right out of me, and this was his counsellor that I had set him up with telling me this. His probation officer told me about the same ****. I am hitting brick wall after brick wall.

For 13 years I have put up with so much bull crap in this realtionship he is suprised that I am still standing here. We had a great relationship, loving, no agruments or anything like that when he was having good days. But now that I have had a year to think about things, it was only on his bad times that I was bashing my head against the wall trying to understand nonsense and complete and utter bull****.

But to make matters even worse, because he can't take any responsibility for his own mental health and much that has happpened within the 13 years has left its lasting effects on our two girls one is 12 and the other is now 10. They are both smart and up to speed with everything, I don't hide a thing from them and it is getting me in hot water with their counsellor and with children's aid. Like I said above, I have an eviction notice, i have no money, my hydro, phone, internet, and gas are all going to be shut off, I know I have to move but it will have to be away from him. I do love him and I always will and I really don't want to give up on him but how do I convince him that going into the hospital and getting treatment is going to help. I know that I can't diagnose him but with me and him talking with medical professionals I know that the proper diagnoses will be found so much faster, I have been paying attention as to what has been going on. Not only that, I feel that with genitics, he has passed these problems onto our oldest daughter, she has been following in his footsteps.

Both kids are having difficulty sleeping, they have nightmares, they are failing in school and they are acting out and so much more they are screaming for their fathers attention and always have. They have always screamed for it but on his bad days he ignored them or did what ever he did and they didn't understand and neither did I. I am learning to deal with it and understand it. Our 13 years together we didn't have a very intimate 13 years. I always thought he was cheating but could never catch him at it. Sex just wast his top priority and I now know that and can accept that but I didn't and couldn't for a very long time and when I tried to get romantic and he would scream at me I thought it was me. I gained weight and became depressed sometimes bad.

My plate is full and please I need someone who has been though the same kind of things or has illnesses of the like to help me and or my husband to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it is there somewhere but I have hit so many walls that I can't see the light any more. But my husband, who is a wonderful loving and giving soul that would help just about anyone, but himself, has to be able to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

As it is I do believe now that things are just over between the two of us, but my love for him will always remain, it is just that strong, I just have this great wish for him to be able to have some kind of a normal life. He has never really been happy and he is always looking for it. When he goes through and episode he runs from his present and looks for happiness and he is never going to find it by searching abroad for it I know it is deep within himself and for the life of me I can't find another living soul that will help me help him to do what is right for him.

His parents that adopted him think his mental illness is a joke, and when they talk on the phone his mother makes wise cracks, I am the only one that is taking it seriously. His best friend thinks that he is ok and just wants to be alone and that me and the kids are cracked. His birth parents are so freeked out they are having a difficult time in addressing the issue, and the same goes for any brothers and sisters. In that respect he is just as alone as I am. He doesn't keep the same friends for long and jumps around from friend to friend and just doesn't get close to anyone, I am not sure if that is common or not among those with the same mentlal health issues.

I live in Northern Ontario and we have a doctor shortage, we hate our family doctor and she abuses us and we have not seen her in over 4 years and because we are listed under a family doctor we can't get another one.

I know I have made my share of mistakes over the last year, putting him in jail as a criminal was one. I wish I knew then what I know now cause I would have had him put into the hospital then. During an episode he came at me and tried to strangle me and when I defended my self I got hurt because he just thought I was trying to attack him.

There is just so much going on with him I am not sure what to do anymore, and today I want to walk away. It has nothing to do with not loving him or giving up on him I am now thinking that it is going to be my only way of reaching him. I also have to help my children and I have to put them first now and think of getting a life back for us first.

I HAVE SO MUCH ON MY PLATE I JUST WANT TO SCREAM.

Vickytoria
Super Member (250+ posts)

524 Posts
Gratitude: 138

Posted - 06/02/2006 : 14:16:23

could you find a mental health support group or advocacy group that gives some hours a week of respite for family members?

"To comprehend the nectar
Requires sorest need."
--Emily Dickinson

Chunkybeefsoup
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2353 Posts
Gratitude: 412
Very caring Very wise

Posted - 06/06/2006 : 11:28:27

Hi Lora, sorry it has taken this long to get back to you. I just want to say how sorry I am for what is happening to you and your family. I think it's best that you use "tough love" towards your husband. He is obviously sick and violent. Actually, you could probably get him in hospital for being a danger to you (he did try to strangle you). I believe that you've helped him as much as you can and if you don't let him go and find a way for yourself and your kids, you'll all be destroyed. First he tries to strangle you. What's next??? He could hurt the children. He could really hurt you next time. Time has ran out for your husband. I'm sorry to say all of these things and it really hurts me to say this, but I really think that you need to focus on your kids. May God bless you and your family. Cindy

Anamater
Super Member (250+ posts)

284 Posts
Gratitude: 123

Posted - 03/14/2007 : 23:25:52

I feel your pain, and it makes me want to scream myself. I think you should not give up on your husband. My own husband felt the pull of giving up on me, and if he had, I seriously doubt that I would be here today. However, you must consider what is best for all parties, including your husband, and i htink that that means regrouping. Your husband is an adult, and even if he can't take care of himself, all he needs to do is get over the pride issue of the stigma and try to get help. The bigger issue is your daughters.

I grew up in a similar situation, but my mom kicked my dad out when I was six. The stress of hte situation seems to have triggered what was probably a pretty strong genetic propensity for scz. I acted out, and social workers told my mom I was just acting out, but really i was having paranoid delusions, so please, see to your daughters treatement. I urge you not to lock them up if you can possibly, in ANY way keep them alive without doing so. While they are under your care they have little control over hwat you will do to them, and that is a difficult trust barrier to build, easy to break. I know you are stressed out, but getting them care and testing without hospitalizing them is job one.

As for your husband's friend and parents, just let it go. There are people in the world who will always jump to conclusions. I am sorry to say it sounds as though the conclusion that they are jumping to is that you couldn't handle the breakup. Put it out of your head. Try not to think about it, becasue the more you protest or argue with them about the reality of hte situation, the more convinced they will be. In time they may think differently, but not becasue of anything you say or do. Just let it, and them, go.

About your husband...
I am so sorry. I know you must be going out of your mind with grief and worry. A lot of people have said very harsh things about him, and I know it's not helpful, but this is one of those situations where you cannot force him to take care of himself. If he comes to your house again, have him put in a hospital...if you want him to never come to you again. If he attacks you, maybe the best thing you can do is have him arrested. If nothing else it sends the right message to your daughters, and it puts him in the position of either HAVING to calm down, or the cops will notice that he is ranting, and hopefully do the right thing and call a doctor. If he persists in refusing treatment it may be the only way that he will get diagnosed. But do not hesitate to call teh cops on him. He really is a danger to you,a adn worse, your daughters.

Art. Like morality, consists of drawing a line.

p59
Starting Member

11 Posts
Gratitude: 4

Posted - 03/22/2007 : 23:42:31

Lora
My heart goes out to you. Firstly, I definitely think his friend and family are in denial especially when his friend admits to having knowledges of his odd behavior and telling you that's just the way he is and you just don't know him very well. What a load of crap! How frustrating this is for you. I must say I have to agree with the mental health prof. and probation officer who said he just might have to end up homeless, on the streets and starving before he gets helps. He may never get help unless he is forced into it and this would definitely do it. If he is schizophrenic he may be suffering from paranoid delusions, so no matter how hard you try to help him he may think your trying to undermine him. Sounds like a no win situation. Leave him!!... then then go back to him when he's been committed. I think he'll end up getting help more quickly without you than with you. I don't mean to sound insensitive but your past and present efforts haven't worked. Don't spin your wheels, put your efforts where they will make a difference......on you and your daughters!

p59
Starting Member

11 Posts
Gratitude: 4

Posted - 03/22/2007 : 23:48:07

Lora,
oops, didn't realize you wrote this over a year ago, can you give me an update? I hope everything is better by now.

nutmeg
New Member

73 Posts
Gratitude: 6

Posted - 10/24/2007 : 23:13:36

Sounds like you're seriously depressed. Financial burden is a hard burden to bear. And relationship issues can break your heart. Maybe you should take the first step by getting anti-depressants. Being a role model by getting yourself help for your husband and your kids. Do you have a job or are just on welfare?

Please update us on what's happening in your life.

seeks
Starting Member

10 Posts
Gratitude: 7

Posted - 07/13/2009 : 15:36:38

Dear Faithfull,
Unfortunately, I don't have any answers, but I do want
you to know that you are not alone with your struggles.
I too am married to someone with schizophrenia/delusional disorder (have been for 17 years-with 3 girls-ages 12, 7, and 5), currently separated, contemplating divorce, but like you, can't seem to let go.
It is the hardest decision, because I love him and feel like I am just "throwing him away" if I leave. However, this is a part of me that says this is so unhealthy and unfair to us. My husband refuses treatment,medication (which he did take for years and was functional),and will not acknowledge anything is wrong (when it so obviously is). I ask myself, "When does he get to be responsible for his choice of not seeking treatment?" I'll end it here because this is long, but I am thinking of you and want you to know you're not alone. Before reading your entry, I thought I was. God bless.

warbird
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)