Posted - 11/13/2010 : 12:08:40
| i feel out of options. i kind of wonder if the only thing keeping me from doing something drastic is my daughter. i guess it's a good thing, her necessitating a need to stay here. i don't really understand the rules on suicidal posts. i don't want to write something inappropriate. this isn't imminent. she's asleep in her room. i couldn't do something with her in the house. i have the option to call the crisis team, but as far as i'm aware the most they would do is talk, maybe take me into the hospital, but then my daughter would be taken into care... that's what i fear. i couldn't deal with that. and talking never changes anything.
mostly it's this dull apathy. then it breaks and i can't breathe.
i'm so alone. i live with my five year old and two cats. i struggle to care for her, and them. the housework isn't done. it's not too bad i guess. it could be better. my husband lives in america. we've been trying for years to sort his visa out, and in failing that i eventually decided to go over there. i was hesitant to because she's settled in her school... and my son is here. he lives with his father. i had to choose between him and my husband. i don't even know how i feel about it anymore.
i said to my husband last night that no one cares. he answered with a stupid response. he was talking about his laundry at the time. he said something about people caring if it smelled. i think that really hurt.
my friends are all on the internet. i was ostrasized from my old circles after being raped by one of them, and accused of making it up. it was a good thing, i guess. i was getting badly addicted to speed, and then i found out i was pregnant. it's good i'm not in those circles now.
yesterday i fell out with one of these internet friends. she's become quite close, she's come to visit me a few times. last weekend, actually. i disagreed with a point she was making and she blew up at me and accused me of never letting her have her own opinions, which hurt, since i had been feeling recently that every time i said something, she had thrown it back in my face. i said something negligible about a comic while she was here and she reacted as though i'd personally offended her. so i snapped and ranted at her about everything.
no one has spoken to me today. i left an absence note on our forum. i kind of feel like she has victimised herself and everyone has taken her side. i haven't said anything at all about the matter, i just said i'd be away for a week or so. no one responded. hence the no one cares comment. my husband has barely spoken to me today. granted, i've been quiet, but i feel like everyone is blaming me for everything. maybe i'm blaming myself too. maybe it's the paranoia.
there's the social side of things. i'm lost in this. i feel like i'm not here. everything is behind a fog. i keep thinking about suicide. i don't want to die, i just don't know what else to do. i'm a writer, but i can do less and less. every time i go outside i feel so detached and everything is so indistinct that i'm almost entirely certain that i'm living in a dream. there are so many signs of this. once when i felt like this i was walking along the canal path, which i never do, and i looked down and there under my feet was a graffiti tag that said 'wake up'. I mean, what the hell? things like this. things that don't make sense.
i have an absurd amount of ufo encounters and what seem to be abduction experiences. i've been in the care of the early intervention service for several years now. that's drawing to a close soon. i'll be discharged into the mental health service, or my gp. i feel unfulfilled. i don't see what the point was at all. i dislike medication, since i write; every time i've been on medication i've been totally unable to, and writing is my life. i have to write. i have nothing else.
i've been having issues with my gender identity for two years. i have assumed a more male role, wearing masculine clothes, and asking my friends to call me billy, which my husband has been uneasy with, but has to a degree tried to make it work. it's been difficult. we've had intimacy issues for a long time, and never understood why. the gender dysphoria would explain it, but he's only willing to go so far. i'm stuck in this body and i hate that. i feel very little affection from him recently. i think he blames me for everything, for our problems, for my mental health issues, for staying over here so long instead of immediately moving over to the states. for hurting him when i said i wasn't sure i could move over there because of my son. i think he thinks i don't love him. i feel a lot of anger around this now. that upsets me.
mostly i feel nothing, interspersed with pain and rage.
i don't know where to go or what to do. i have nothing. i am nothing. in all my years in the mental health service, nothing has changed. i'm sometimes stricken with an intensity of emotion, as if something huge is about to happen. being outside is difficult. i feel everyone around me. it's like a babbling. i get obsessed with ufology and the paranormal. i used to trance channel and see spirits all the time. i want to purge myself totally of feeling, but i don't want to be a husk.
i don't know what to do. i don't want to upset anyone, i'm concerned that i've put something inappropriate here. i don't know where to turn. i don't belong here. i don't feel human. i miss a family i've never known, and a home i've never seen, which makes no sense.
i'm sure there's more to add. i'm sure i've forgotten something. i'm sorry this is such a long rambling post. i have nowhere else to go.