Posted - 11/26/2016 : 16:18:12
| I have been in my new job almost three months. Originally I came into the new employer starting a Specialist role. When my past came back to haunt me and I was very honest to my new employer. All parties involved felt I should leave that role.
My manager gave me a chance to have another job - lower grade and lower salary. I didn't have much choice to take it either that, I am out of a job and I need money to keep a roof over my head.
You can imagine, I was gutted to start a new role. It was the same role I had been doing for the past four years. I wanted to promote myself by going up the work ladder. So when I was shown and shadowing my new colleagues, I had no interest in being shown how to complete a handover sheet. When I have the knowledge and experience of completing one. Also, hearing and watching all my colleagues start this new role, made me jealous.
I spent the first two weeks of my new job just sitting in an office. I was offering to help people but they would decline it. Maybe they were so used to be independent (the role is lone working). It was just so frustrating because I don't come to work just to sit there. I want to be paid by doing something and helping. By the end of the second week, my head just ached every time I came into the office. I just knew what the day was going to entail.
So I knew I had to do something. So I went to my manager and told her how I was feeling. I'm not sure what I was hoping. I guess, I needed support. Just some positive words. But instead I was given an ultimatum - either take the job or get out. I think, the manager wanted me to go. But I chose to stay on.
Once the team got new staff in and we had more structure. Things got easier. I was given new key clients to key work. I really jumped in and started to challenge myself. I even started attending college - to focus on my nursing career.
Strange thing is, after having this ackward conversation with my manager. I then started having a change of heart. The new role, I was settling in and beginning to accept things. I got the hang of it. Getting used to everything.
Your gut instinct is a useful poweful tool. I am strong believer that you should always listen to it. So my gut instinct told me, I need to step up my game and need to proof to my employer that I do want the job and I do want to be here. I had a very strong feeling that after my six months probation is up, my new employer will not take me on. After all, I did give a negative conversation.
So I started going out of my way to proof myself. One of my key clients who has an on-going physical health issue which has been dragging on for a long time, I have come in early than I should have before my shift started to support this resident and been battling with doctors to pull their fingers out to do something. I have requested to change my work days around with my rest days - to come in and support my key clients for their appointments. Which my manager was impressed and knew I had gone out of my way for my clients. I got really good feedback from that.
I requested for extra training to support one of my clients but my manager declined it. Stating due to money, they don't want to invest all this training into new staff and then they leave after a few months due to a massive staff turnover. Instead they would prefer the new staff to complete their six months probation.
After proving myself with all the hard work for this key client, my manager had a change of heart. Has now given permission for me to attend whatever training I want too as long as it fits my job role.
There has been a few times when a resident has requested for a new key worker. I haven't jumped at the chance to volunteer and I haven't stayed late after my shift had finished, when my colleague did to support a resident to attend paramedics - that I feel has made things look bad on my side - my manager not being impressed.
I had supervision yesterday and I requested to speak to my manager. I could see the look in her eye, she thought I was going to quit the job. I informed her about an issue I had with one of my key clients attachment to their previous key worker. Once we finished talking, she asked if whether I had anymore concerns which I started I didn't. She seemed to open up and be relaxed around me.
Later she stated I have stepped up and then changed it too - well you have a bit.
Since then, I am feeling incredibly helpless and convinced my new employer is not going to take me on. I just feel ever since my first conversation about my unhappiness with the workplace. They have already made up their minds that they are not going to take me on.
Just when I feel I am doing well by going the extra mile - it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. This battle with having to proof myself is becoming boring and extremely tiring.
Having depression and anxiety doesn't help - when I don't care much for anything and hardly have any motivation.
How the hell do I proof that I am here doing the job because I want too and not because I have too?