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Schizophrenia Community
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 Topic  |
| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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 Posted - 12/15/2010 : 15:11:36
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Starting to ramp up on seroquel. Hoping for some improvement, but I expect it to take some time. It was a wild time at the trip to the doctors. I am not sure what triggers it, but everyone in the office was speaking to my thoughts. Afterwards at lunch and later shopping, the whole place was doing it. Don't these people have their own minds to worry about??? Why so interested in mine?
It frustrates me so when people won't cop to hearing my thoughts. It does seem like some kind of game, or cruel joke that the whole world is in on.......(except for me!)I here relevent comments coming from all corners of the place.....everywhere I go......but no one will admit that they are hearing and responding to my brainwaves. And, the more this seems to be the case, the harder it is to keep my mind straight! It is really frightening. Terrifying, like I have lost all of my privacy......like privacy is in fact a big illusion. Makes me so scared to go out in public, I'll never meet another female in my life. I'll have to be a lone hermit! It has gotten so bad that I can't even masterbate without feeling like I'm on TV, with the whole world, including my mother watching me!!! What a life it has turned out to be. Anyhow, praying meds will help, praying to be able to get through to some sort of 'normal' life again. At least hearing some people close to me say that they CAN'T hear my every thought helps a little, except that it also at the same time seems like they are LYING. That they don't want to, but for some cosmic reason they aren't ALLOWED to or something. Not that I think people are dishonest, but that it goes against the 'rules of engagement' Some unwritten 'Law' that the physical/material realm is not permitted to speak of it. (But I speak of it)Like they can only mention the 'psychic' psychically. Anyhow thanks for giving me a place to pour all this out. Blessings. |
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| dynamo
Starting Member
13 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 12/15/2010 : 20:51:05
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Don't worry, we've all gone through that kind of situations. For me the first year with TB was the worst year in my entire life... I can relate so much to you. Also with the masterbating thing... Even to this day I'd wake up in the middle of the night and do it, while my parents are asleep. Can you believe it? Anyway, after 2 years I got tired. First I was like "omg! I don't want to think bad thoughts, it's so bad bad", but then year after year, I ended up like this: "fck everything! $%&$!!!!", to this day I even have murderous thoughts in rooms full of people. Haha! If they stare at me, I'm like "bite me!".
But what can we do? I also thought there was some kind of rule and our relatives were not allowed to tell us they are able to hear our thoughts. I also thought everyone knew my secrets. *sigh* But after 4 years I couldn't care less if they know them or not. They can go and fck themselves!!!
Don't worry, you have all my support. Believe me, it gets better. It's not like you're going to be like this forever, It takes time, months. Thinking about it, when I had a lover I barely thought about TB when we were together. It was all about other issues lol. When you get a girlfriend, TB is the last thing you'll worry about. Keep in mind TB should not be the center of your universe.
I must confess it was so hard when I entered uni... It was so uncomfortable, because I had exams in rooms full of people, sometimes hundreds. Can you imagine? I thought they were able to steal my answers, so after taking many exams I developed a silent mind. I would read the question in my mind, but not the answer. I'd just write the answer.
But yes, many things have happened to me. I'd think something about a person on tv, and the person would react or say something about my thought. When I started one of my semesters, I met a group of people. I was angry because a group of girls were talking a lot, I thought they were parrots. After thinking that I talked to another girl. I'd never met her before, she told me she was the kind of girl who talks a lot. I told her I didn't mind that and she said: "I thought you didn't like people who talked a lot". But I never said that to her, I really don't know why she said that. I used to write these kind of situations, maybe I should do it again.
Come to think about it. Sometimes I believe some of the incidents are definitely not a coincidence. But I've never been psychotic, because I only use my logic. I don't have any kind of hallucinations. I just connect the dots. People might think having TB makes you a psychotic person; but just because they think it's not possible, doesn't mean it's not true. *sigh*
You know how I got TB? OK, I'll tell ya. I was 17, in a classroom. The class was boring! and I didn't like our teacher, so I made a conversation in my mind, in which he was flirting with one of my female friends. I don't remember what it was all about, it was funny. But in the middle of the class this female friend laughed, she turned her head at me and said my name scoldingly. Nobody had said anything, and our teacher was just giving the class. After that I started questioning everything around me. I didn't develop TB until I turned 18. *sigh* |
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| dynamo
Starting Member
13 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 12/15/2010 : 21:20:16
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Guys! I need to talk about something that has been upsetting me all these years. I know I can trust you, because we're going through the same thing. It's this thing people do... They close their eyes and bend their head forward. It scares me, because whenever I look at them doing that, they quickly go back to a normal position. As if they knew I was looking at them. It happens thousands of times. Even when they are inside a car. I look at them doing it (before they bend their heads down), they get scared and they go back to a normal position VERY FAST. As if they had had an adrenaline rush. One day, I was in a car, the car on the left was behind another car. There were only 3 cars, and we were going very slow. I noticed the driver was doing this thing I'm telling ya, he crashed against the car that was in front of him, he didn't put the breaks on. It was ridiculous, we were going so slow. He was too distracted with, god knows what. omg!
http://www.dimensionsofdentalhygiene.com/uploadedimages/DDH/Magazine/2005/01_January/Features/16b 1 .gif
I could look at her and she'd go back to a normal position VERY FAST. Or sometimes I'd look at her when she was about bending her head down. She bends her head down and immediately goes back to normal, almost scared, like a jerk upwards. It happens every day. It's funny and strange when they do it while driving, this last "scared movement". Because I'd look at them driving (they don't know I'm looking at them), they bend their head down, realize something, and immediately jerk their head upwards, until they adopt a normal position. I thought... they were able to get inside my head, haha. Yes, I'm crazy, but this would explain a lot of things. Sometimes I think they are not human. Now I'm scared, I thing I should go back to my meds.
EDIT: I tried to fix the link to the picture, but I can't. Here's the link: http://www.dimensionsofdentalhygiene.com/uploadedimages/DDH/Magazine/2005/01_January/Features/16b(1).gif |
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| lowlyworm
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2755 Posts
Gratitude: 147
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Posted - 12/15/2010 : 23:20:47
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| Dynamo I've never had that experience with peoples heads that you mention. That's interesting. |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 12/16/2010 : 13:28:07
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I have noticed similar (head down~momentary trance~) type behavior from others........ especially from a particular few. But never attributed it to picking up on me, but that is an interesting thought. Seems to me like in my experiences it is not necessary for people to even do such a thing-- they just naturally pick it up. They won't cop to knowing though, and even talk in 'plain-speak' (audible- with words)seem to try to steer me away from the 'fact' that they do. Like misleading.
I have also noticed 'incredible' coincident actions. Like: At the same instant I think to reach for my glass of water, so does the person sitting next to me. I was in a bar one time and thought to myself to toast the guy sitting next to me, just as I think this, he raises his mug to me for a toast! I comply and move on, but talk about weird....... like a bunch of coincidences that are too uncanny and exact to be merely coincidence. I'm with you though, Dynamo......the more I just go through life saying "f**k it, whatever")....the less I find myself thinking the JUNK that I am so ashamed they hear. When I do miss up and think some contrary BS that makes me feel guilty, then the downward spiral of persecution and conviction begins. It can take quite an effort and a bunch of time before I can climb out again. It does seem to help to just say "screw it" in these instances too. The more I lament over the accidental mis-thought, the more of those same thoughts I have.
Anyhow, thanks for the commiseration. Good to have some people to bounce this stuff off of who understand a bit of what it's like. It especially helps dispell the voices that try to convince me that the whole world's well-being is contingent upon my positve thoughts. 'They' try to tell me that if I don't 'wake-up'- or perform some action like 'learn to play the guitar like Jerry Garcia' in time, the world is doomed to destruction, and they insist that 'time is running out'! This seems especially ridiculous when you hear that others are hearing the same type of thing..... at least it dispells the thought that it's all up to me!!! Thank God, what pressure that feels like.
Gotta go, thanks for sharing,
Blessings |
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| InTheWoods
Starting Member
3 Posts |
Posted - 12/16/2010 : 17:24:30
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Wow, lots of experiences posted here sound familiar. TB was a real problem for me for a couple of years. Glad that I finally got help!
I was just put on Abilify 20mg and it is working pretty well. The VA doc won't give me anything for anxiety because I drink beer a few times a week. Oh well.
Thanks everyone for sharing! |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 12/20/2010 : 15:32:29
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Some days are definitely better than others. I have the hardest time being out in public, around people. Once I am there it just makes IT go out of control. I here IT everywhere I go. I inevitably end up wanting to flee the situation, and can barely stand being there. When I finally make it home.....in a panic.... IT happens here too. Really shameful around parents, but better than being around a world full of strangers. I just wish it would stop. The seroquel that the doc put me on seems to make some aspects worse and some better.....so far. First thing, it makes the 'voices' and 'psychic -type' communication more obvious and LOUDER. But at the same time, it makes me more able to cope with it. I am able to maintain a 'clear', 'neutral' mind, and panic a little less. The meds seem to make it a little easier to not think the contrary, negative, autistic-seeming thoughts that always cause more panic and terror and results in my wanting to flee the scene as quickly as possible.
Hoping for more relief as time goes on.
Friends, the thing I am hoping to determine is if this is really happening or not! As much as I hope that it is not happening...and that my mind is just halliucinating all this 'psychic' communicating..... every day it seems more obvious that it really is going on. People in the mall are responding to my thoughts! At the drive thru! Here at home!! I would cut off my own hand if it could convince me that this is NOT really happening!! But at the same time that nobody will cop to it, and admit that this IS the way things are...... they also won't come out and say that it is NOT happening, in- so many words. They always seem to hedge and beat around the bush and without completely admitting that IT is going on, they also won't deny it to my satisfaction. All of the denials seem to also indicate that it IS the way things really are. They say things like....."well if the world is psychic, SO WHAT!" and "tell ya what....I promise you won't hear GOD talking to you for the next two or three days"-(how could someone promise that?) and The PDoc even said that he surely can't hear my thoughts, but "if there is a schizophrenic in the next room, he/she might"-(does that mean that it is REALLY happening to a SCZ?) I just wish I could figure out which way to go with it so I could either ignore every message I get- because it is really all in my brain, and nowhere else.......or I would KNOW that my only choice is to try to learn to live with it.....or end my shameful, miserable, helpless existance, because it is impossible to ever be RIGHT in IT's sight. Seems like it's happening.......hope to learn that I'm just hallucinating and making it all up in my head. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 12/20/2010 : 17:41:04
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I wish there was some help. Soon I won't have anywhere left to go!
Thinking perverted stuff around my momma makes me siiiiiiiiiick!
 If I can't even be here, where can i go???
Of course I don't mean the stuff, just like everything else that makes this condition nearly unbearable. She was asking me about how my meds where helping- or not- and in the discussion tells me that all the imagined stuff in my head is just that........ a bunch of BS.
But having a hard time keeping perverted-type thinking away for now..... and as I type this, she's sending me shaming and embarasing replies!!! It doesn't stop. Am I posessed?? Is some cosmic force trying to use my weaknesses to crush me? Is it possible to live like this, without having a completely blank mind? Is that what I'm supposed to learn to do? Keep a totally blank mind? I've never known that to be possible, but that seems to be the only way to succeed.
When I have no thoughts in my mind THEY-IT don't have anything to pick on, and things are quiet and OK..........but I can only achieve this for a few minutes or so at a time. Is that what we are supposed to learn how to do? If so, is that any kind of life at all??? Be a complete blank-man-zombie all the time, or pay?!? I wish someone had the answer................ |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 12/20/2010 : 17:44:24
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| Does anyone read and reply to these anymore? Is there some forum that any of you know of where there are some people to talk to when things are getting out of control, or hard to handle? |
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| Daniel02021988
Starting Member
6 Posts |
Posted - 12/23/2010 : 00:11:56
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Hey JMan...
Welcome to the board. I'm a new member here as well and it seems like we deffo came to the right place. I've been suffering from very intense TB for almost 3 years now. (Mine started on new years eve 2007/08, but there were clear signs of it long before then.)
I have never experience EXACTLY what you and dynamo are talking about with the head movements of other but very similar things. I find that I can see people with my peripheral vision VERY CLEARLY. As in, I can see the energy of their eyes looking back at me through peripheral vision as well. I find that the eyes play a key role to lots of my hallucinations. For example: I used to experiment when I was high or even sober by looking at somebody's foot and asking them (politely but firmly in my mind) to move it (for no reason by the way just to see) and they would always move it just a bit. and I would always say a combination of thanks and sorry in my head as a reply.
When I am sober I can almost never hear anyone elses replies, I have slowly managed to block them out by keeping my mind active and freestyle rapping (as I mentioned a few posts ago). But dude, when I was high, there would be this ****ign awful DOUBLE CONVORSATION going on all the time with everyone. People responding to EACH OTHER about the things that I was thinking. I can't do drugs any more, NO WAY.
I too also thought that I was the only one with this and that It was some sort of multidimensional experiment, me as the key figure in it all. and that everybody was subconciously playing by the rules that NOBODY CAN SAY ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT DIRECTY. If this happened, say somebody comes up on the street or a friend says MAN I CAN HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS or some **** like that, I would probably kill my self. I don't want to hear that. I also thought I had a key role in the build up to 2012. After reading all the posts on here, it makes me fee 2 things. ONE, very happy that I'm not alone in these experiences and TWO, annoyed that I'm not the only one any more. Very mixed emotions.
Anyway I'm rambling... I have come to the conclusion that TB is REAL, it is all happening on a different plane of existance, something which science is only just dipping it's toes into. I am not going to get drugs to help me cope. I feel I am doing fine and I kind of feel proud that I havent killed myself yet because it is really, really ****ing hard after thinking some of the thoughts I have.
I'm very good with children but every time I am near them there is a part of my brain thinking **** like "children porn" "kiddy porn is awesome" etc and i ****ing want to die.
It's almost like a challenge this whole thing... If I can still function as a normal human while all this is going on, I am beating the challenge. Maybe that's how you win.
We're in it for the long run guys. Hold on tight and bring snacks.
-Daniel |
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| spiffer
Starting Member
18 Posts |
Posted - 12/24/2010 : 07:04:47
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JMan,
I've also been struggling with the dilemma 'is it real or not?'. And I also get ideas that society wants me to do some things in my life and they may be imposing some sort of deadline.
One major impression I have at the moment is that they want me to get married and there's a reward either to the girl that I hook up with or for me if I get married; I'm not sure. There also seems to be some competition among the girls that I take interest in. I think the reward is upward of a million bucks but sometimes it feels like it could be so much more than that from the things that are going on. The competition has one syndicate trying to outplay the other in favour of their 'candidate bride'. I don't know who would sponsor such a thing or why. The unique idea that I seem to have from everyone else is that I think someone may have made my mind start broadcasting and they may be the same people sponsoring the competition I'm talking about.
Like I've said in previous posts I've tried various meds: Invega, Risperidone, Haloperidol and I've been on Olanzapine for just over a year now but nothing has worked. I still hope someday I'll come to realise it's not real and I hope that happens to everyone else. |
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| DanielJ8H
Starting Member
8 Posts
Gratitude: 2
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Posted - 12/24/2010 : 21:32:33
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Hello peoples!!! I have been reading this board now for a couple days on and off and realizing that I'm not alone in all of this at all! I have had exactly similar experiences happen to me for about the past 3 years. When it first started, it was extremely bad, I had absolutely no control over my mind and no idea what was going on whatsoever. I will try to explain some of my history and my experience with it. When I first started with my troubles and TB, I was at a party (typical right), and yes I had ingested 1 tab of LSD (which I had taken a few times before with no problems whatsoever, completely amazing shamanic experiences actually) and as I was laying on this trampoline my friend starts kicking me in the leg kinda as I'm staring up at the moon. She and my other friends are saying "Stop it!", "Cut that out!" Joking around with me and then I became serious and saying "stop what I'm not doing anything" and I walked away into the house. I tried to sleep on the couch but to no relief could I fall asleep at all, I kept thinking about why they had said "stop it", when I had not even been doing anything. Everything was rather quiet that night but then when the morning came we all made plans to go to a resort with a pool, hot tub, jacuzzi ect. Well on the ride there every time I would go into this spaced out trip my friend would slam on the breaks almost running straight into the car ahead of us and then they would all turn back in fear and disgust verbally saying "what are you trying to do?" There was this other guy with us and he kept starting to say some pretty bad things that had happened with some guys and hed turn to me and say "Man why are you digging up all this old **** makin me talk about that." At that time I was feeling so guilty/horrified at what was becoming. I started constantly having such feelings like people were ugly to me and I did not previously ever think that of them before, like I was saying it to get a response which would be cold and negative where I kept thinking "When I get home I'm going to kill myself" Which then I would actually get a non-caring positive response from people. I also got a hint of malicious intent from them as well though which was bizarre as I had been raving with these people for over a year and they were what I thought was "Family", they kept saying things like "If you don't stop it we're going to duct tape you to a tree or in a school bus full of spiders" I was obviously totally freaking out but at one point I went to call my friend "Thor" at the time I went out of earshot of everybody away from the house when I called, begging for him to pick me up. When I came back in I was repeating that name unconsciously and one dudes like "Tor, Thor, somethin like that" And looked at everyone else and it was like they were confirming it. The worst was yet to come though as when night came, I was trying to sleep and there was 5 people in the room with me circling the bunk bed when I was on the top. I could literally feel my mind being pried open as they were trying to look through my entire past and bring things to light which I had long tried to forget as a child so forth and so on. It was the most devasting and humiliating feeling I have ever had and defense at the time (My only defense) I started to do it back and visualize and say such horrible nasty things through my mind to get them to leave me alone from things I did not want revealed, things that I didn't even remember forgetting at all. They were verbally discussing whether I looked slightly indian ect right in front of me! But anyways as I was creating these visions to fight back for myself I would only dig myself in deeper. The next day I was on the trampoline again and these dudes were like "You fallen through a hole that you'll never get out off" and I heard laughing from them and everybody else, I heard spoken to me in my mind I was a tool so they could use my dj equipment ect, when I had real talent in that and practiced everyday they were purposely trying to destroy me and my image. They did a damn good job, now I don't talk to any of them anymore and I'm practically a recluse because I've lost contact with all my other friends from similar experiences and I've been completely sober and I'm on meds, I struggle EVERYDAY with this and it is most difficult to go out in public.
I find it interesting someone mentioned its like "tourettes" Thats exactly how I believed it, or "retarded esp" I would put it, no offense but I know when that happened I snapped/broke my mind, I do make progress all the time but I will post some of my techniques that help at fighting this.
Who doesn't have issues and their own problems? |
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| DanielJ8H
Starting Member
8 Posts
Gratitude: 2
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Posted - 12/24/2010 : 21:55:21
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Ok first and foremost I want to relate that I have similar experiences where I see/feel/say out loud in my mind digusting sexual/race all the time and I feel like no where is safe for me to go. Even sitting here I feel like if I were to even think of anybody for one second I would be phoning them, they would phone back and I am viable for that being probably negative and sometimes I will hear their particular voice saying something like "Yeah? What the **** you want why are you bothering me", ect ect so I try to think about myself and reflect on my heart and my soul not my mind so much cuz its damaged obviously. A couple months ago my Dad took me to a doctor and told me to read a book called "This present darkness". I read the book and became astoundingly convinced of what is happening in reality around us. Up until a couple days ago I was also using a particular mantra which I found great relief in when I had to go out in public. I would constantly say "Hare Krishna" and the rest of it over and over and over as soon as I would end, I would do it again. I would try to keep the voice in my head to be very calm and go at the same speed. I am pretty good at thwarting suprise sounds or voices that might have something to do with it. For instance the other day I was playing Counter strike source (Which I can't play online games anymore mind you) and someone started saying harrrayyyy like they knew what I had been saying, everyone lol'ed and I believe that the majority of those people were high off their asses and knew what I was talking about. I just started singing it and laughing along with it knowing how rediculous it might seem but it still kept me on a positive wave length without breaking that for a moment. But tonight I picked up a new mantra and I enjoy it more than anything I've tried yet so far (Zen-buddism, Breathing science, mediation you name it)its actually the Lords prayer. If I believed anything in the bible since the beginning it was always Jesus' words in particular and what he said, the two basic commandments, Love your brother as yourself and Love your God with mind,body and soul. He also left a very easy to remember prayer which I have been reading in a calm nature, feeling every word as true and imagining complete defense from outside forces. In my travels over the past few years I truly believe that this TB problem and telepathy is not used for good, but for selfish gain. And I do not think people like you and me are doing this. I believe it is spiritual based, parasitic in nature. Like that guy who is studying telepathic experiments saying If someone was in a room and the other person there didn't know it, would he affect time and the actions he did simply by looking at them. I believe that there is a force that can see you, but you cannot see it. Call them spirits/demons/aliens what have you, they all do the same thing. They want to live off of you and cause you misery and pain among a whole host of other things just to strip you of everything that makes you good so you might take your own life, oh wouldn't they love that. But there is power in the Lords prayer at least for me. Even if someone is in my head I am thinking go ahead, see if I care I hope your enjoying this. You must read the book This Present Darkness it will explain many things and it was prescribed by a hollistic approach doctor who was very knowledgeable to me.
The lords prayer, spoken by Jesus "Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as forgive those who have trespassed against us. And lead us not to temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.
Currently I am taking meds ect but life is not easy thats for damn sure. I also have problems around my family with this and it hurts me so bad, but I try, I feel the power in those words and it lets me get through almost anything. Anyways I hope you find relief my friends,
PEACE!
Who doesn't have issues and their own problems? |
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| lowlyworm
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2755 Posts
Gratitude: 147
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Posted - 12/24/2010 : 22:40:23
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Hello all! I used to struggle with if TB was real (as many of you are struggling now). Once I got onto the right and proper dose of medication for me all these kinds of thoughts started fading away. I feel for you guys and what you are going though. I just wanted to let you know that that there is hope and that in the future you can get to the point where these thoughts no longer plague you. I assure you that I can not read your (or anyones) mind. Sending you all positive energy.  lowly |
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| spiffer
Starting Member
18 Posts |
Posted - 12/25/2010 : 04:00:54
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DanielJ8H,
can you explain what "retarded esp" is or was that meant as an insult to the previous poster? I googled the term and nothing sensible came up. So what's "retarded esp"? I'm really offended. |
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