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 I am an addict
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nancyannee
Super Member (250+ posts)

641 Posts
Gratitude: 149

Posted - 05/10/2007 :  09:06:33  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
that trades one addiction for another to mask the symptoms of my scz. over the years when one drug stopped "working" (in other words, the voices hallucinations, delusions again came on stronger than the desire for my current choice of poison), I would move on to another addiction.

Alcohol, cigarettes, meth, cocaine, sex, food, downers, uppers..the list goes on. I have been able to lay down whatever I was doing and move on, without a thought except, I am done with this...and of course on to the next drug that will help me deny the fact that I have a mental illness. (only a few times in the past do I logically realize I suffer from a mental illness) I usually dive right into the next addiction without a thought as to the WHY.

I do not want to dive back into obscurity. I want to be healthy, but my past behavior predicts unless I get professional help, I will spiral back into ambiguity only to keep the cycle going over and over....

My latest addiction is one I CANNOT seem to quit on my own. When I try, I will go about 2-3 days without it and I start to get very psychotic and suicidal. My latest choice of addiction is hydrocodone. Never has there been a substance that allows me to numb the pain and madness I suffer from so thoroughly.

This current addiction has lasted for 6 years.

When I try to quit on my own the flood of feelings and emotions are so overwhelming I think my head is going to explode. I have been addicted many times in the past, but I have never been able to NOT quit.

This is the MAIN reason, I don't call up my primary doctor and get help for my scz. I would have to "come clean" about this addicton. I am ready to give it up I just don't seem to be able to do it on my own.

Just wanted to put this out here in the "real" world. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and of course any support will be gladly received

Nancy






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Bailey
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2205 Posts
Gratitude: 547
Very caringVery honest

Posted - 05/10/2007 :  10:56:48  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi Nancy

I just had to post to you...I can feel your pain. Yes...that is very powerful and addicting that drug.

Maybe if you did contact your GP...and tell him or her the truth, they would get you the help you need. It absolutely is a drug that you need to have help withdrawing from.

I dont know where you live, but in Canada..we have good detox centres, some medical, some not to help us. In smaller communities that dont have a stand alone detox, we get to go to the hospital. That way we are monitored, and given what we need to get through the terrors of withdrawal. I would be afraid for you to try to do this on your own, especially if withdrawal triggers psychosis and severe anxiety.

My thoughts are with you Nancy.

Laurie

When we won't consider suggestions, we reject our own potential - but we have the right to expect people to be tactful.

Bill Blackman

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nancyannee
Super Member (250+ posts)

641 Posts
Gratitude: 149

Posted - 05/10/2007 :  11:58:28  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Thank you Laurie for the kind words. logically I know I can call a wonderful center here In my town. (covered under my Insurance) and make arrangements for detox. I actually called once, but I did not go. I have the Insurance and have NEVER used It. It has been 14 years since I saw a doctor.

I am virtually housebound with no Idea how to break through my madness to seek the help I KNOW I so desperately need. Short of walking Into my local ER and telling them this I don't know what else to do. However, I can't believe I wrote these things here, much less say them out loud face-to-face to strangers.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. they really do help...

Nancy

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Pat1967
Super Member (250+ posts)

533 Posts
Gratitude: 111

Posted - 05/15/2007 :  15:51:32  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi Nancy I'm an addict too I just relapsed on the weekend and can't seem to really stop the cycle of wanting something to change my mood when I feel good or bad. I've stopped using now but I really need to stay clean and sober somehow. I now going to take all the suggestions and dive into recovery mode before I lose everything
its really my last chance before I hit the street again and that was hell. Staying in shelters, no job, terrified homeless, and psychotic. If I just look at my past I know its crazy for me to use.
I've been praying lately before sleeping and when waking. I stopped going to meetings and I know that was a big mistake. My support network is Great so I really should have no problems if I just do the next right thing. Thank God I stopped using so quickly and am without cravings. Best wishes Pat

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Anamater
Super Member (250+ posts)

284 Posts
Gratitude: 123

Posted - 05/17/2007 :  21:31:25  Show Profile  Visit Anamater's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
I know what you mean. I have followed the exact same pattern, and it took some pretty drastic measures to get clean. I was lucky with hydrocodone, the first time I took it my best friend of the time took some too, and puked blood. I never took it after that, though I probably would have if i hadn't quit all the heroine and ecstasy I was taking three months later. But yeah, you should quit, and if it feels that bad, don't do it alone. This is coming from someone who did what you did, just quit stuff on my own. But ain't neither of us getting any younger. Shock to the system is a lot harder on your body now, and after 8 years, I'd say you have probably gotten pretty accustomed to having it in your system. If you are really ready to quit, talk to the clinic. Better successful than sorry.

Art. Like morality, consists of drawing a line.
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nancyannee
Super Member (250+ posts)

641 Posts
Gratitude: 149

Posted - 02/04/2008 :  05:04:07  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hooray! I am SEVEN whole days clean of hydrocodone(with NO desire to take it at ALL!!). I finally asked for help, went into an InPatient facility for medical detox. This is my first day home and although I am still having withdrawals, my symptoms are much better due to the meds they have placed me on.

I am optimistic about my recovery and hope all these new Meds will help alleviate all my symptoms.


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Jayster
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)

2021 Posts
Gratitude: 159

Posted - 02/11/2008 :  18:50:48  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Good wishes, Nancy!

Jayster
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nancyannee
Super Member (250+ posts)

641 Posts
Gratitude: 149

Posted - 02/21/2008 :  04:42:48  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
23days clean and NO desire to go back. Now all I have to kick is the caffeine.....
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clskrock
Full Member (100+ posts)

175 Posts
Gratitude: 54

Posted - 02/27/2008 :  16:53:48  Show Profile  Visit clskrock's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Congratulatios Nancy Keep up the good work
Dennis
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Pat1967
Super Member (250+ posts)

533 Posts
Gratitude: 111

Posted - 03/03/2008 :  15:01:07  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
How goes it Nancy ?



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nancyannee
Super Member (250+ posts)

641 Posts
Gratitude: 149

Posted - 03/03/2008 :  16:15:02  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
It is going. I often feel as if I am just treading water. some days are better than others. I am 35 days clean of all drugs not prescribed. I have 2 p-docs whom I seem to like.

I am in talk therapy and have been Dx with ultra-rapid-cycling BP with psychosis. All in all things are a LOT better, I just have to adjust to all these new meds...

I really appreciate your thinking to ask me how I am feeling, Pat. How are you doing?
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Pat1967
Super Member (250+ posts)

533 Posts
Gratitude: 111

Posted - 03/05/2008 :  15:14:05  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Nancy I'm doing well thank you. 10 mns for me. Met a wonderful woman and she is a lot to do with how it's going, although its really me in the end who controls my emotions. I know how we go up and down like crazy when we first sober up. "Rapid cycler" I think you'll find , as I did that the more time you have sober the more serenity you'll have.

I was very and still am very honest with my pdoc that way I have never been overmedicated due to the use of street drugs incidentally
the meds stopped working for me when I "used" and kept taking them.

congratulations on the 35 days !!!!!

For me I definatly take one day or minute or second in the beginning
"at a time" I have found that a 12 step meeting was a very good why to gain support and friends who look out for your better judgment


Back to you Pat
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karrenaallen
Starting Member

5 Posts
Gratitude: 3

Posted - 02/19/2009 :  23:38:28  Show Profile  Visit karrenaallen's Homepage  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Hi Nancy,

After reading your posts, I am kind of confused. You admit that you need professional help, and yet you refuse to meet them. It appears to me that you have started enjoying your condition. Donít be surprised because at times people enjoy pains as well. However, itís not normal and definitely requires treatment, psychological or otherwise. Good Luck!


http://www.drugabuse.com/
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seetumail
Starting Member

1 Posts

Posted - 05/08/2009 :  19:37:44  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
Dnt worry friend.if their is a problem then it comes with a solution.i can feel ur pain and understand what all must have been going through.
God Will help you
for drug rehab info click the link below
Eliza
Drug Rehab Facilities
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awl
Starting Member

17 Posts
Gratitude: 8

Posted - 06/28/2009 :  14:31:37  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
I think asking for help and putting it out there takes courage. Don't beat yourself up though. I have had consequences (illnesses) from my drug abuse. I have really ****ed up on crack cocaine. It made my psychosis much worse. Those hard drugs can really be bad for you.

I smoke pot and drink every day. This has been my habit pattern for about 6 months. I had 7 years clean and sober (not a drink or a drug). This was after many years of using. I could have been using drugs to mask the symptoms. It could have been growing up in the drug culture of the '70's in America. Or drug use is just tacitly accepted and everyone is casual about using.


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nancyannee
Super Member (250+ posts)

641 Posts
Gratitude: 149

Posted - 06/28/2009 :  19:10:02  Show Profile  Reply with Quote  Reply to Topic
quote:

Hi Nancy,

After reading your posts, I am kind of confused. You admit that you need professional help, and yet you refuse to meet them. It appears to me that you have started enjoying your condition. Donít be surprised because at times people enjoy pains as well. However, itís not normal and definitely requires treatment, psychological or otherwise. Good Luck!


I can appreciate your thoughts, and can even admit they may hold some truth. Since I have posted here, however, I have managed to get back into therapy and back on medications. Believe me, the "cure" is as bad as the illness. The side affects are horrible. But to clue you in....it is a TERRIFYING fear of doctors and people in general that kept me from seeking help. Nobody would enjoy this type of pain.

Living in the moment
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