| nancyannee
Super Member (250+ posts)
641 Posts
Gratitude: 149
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| nancyannee
Super Member (250+ posts)
641 Posts
Gratitude: 149
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 Posted - 09/17/2011 : 21:09:28
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So sad for me to read my own post and see my own failures staring me in the face....I have always known on some level that in order for me to get clean and stay clean, I would HAVE to divorce my husband.
No, I am not blaming him for my addictions. I am admitting out loud to myself and to the world that remaining in such an unhealthy relationship is detrimental to my health and well-being. I do not like the person I am around him. Evil thoughts and horrible words make me sick. Yet it is all I seem to conjure up. 
He is utterly content. He has no desire to change. He has no ambitions in life. He has the mental acuity of a rock. My reasons for marrying him (beyond that of getting pregnant)? His stinking potential....Bah. never tapped. never even tested. His caring heart? Double Bah? What does a big heart get you? NADA folks. His big old caring heart only cares about his most immediate creature comfort. Not that I have spent the last 20 years taking care of business. Making sure the bills got paid. Making sure the kids got to the doctors, registered for school...yada yada yada....the list goes on....
Do I mean to bash him? Well, Duh! I have begged and pleaded for him to step up and take care of his share....At this point in my life I would be tickled pink if he could manage to get the garbage hauled off. Just that. Really. Nothing more. Take the stinking trash to the dump BEFORE we have 10+ bags piling up outside....
My expectations having stooped so low as to be thrilled if he could manage just that. Does he bother? Nope.
When I married, I married mainly because I believe children need BOTH parents. Well, hEll what good is it when I self medicate to the point of oblivion every chance I get??? Well, not oblivion. That is overstating it. Obviously. Mind-Numbing yes. Oblivion, hardly.
I have always known of my own potential. Yet, I tamp it down and never let it rise to the surface. It can't rise to the surface as long as I subjugate myself in this way.....
Knowing what needs to change, unfortunately, does not give me the means to make said changes....always struggling to meet just the basic of needs allows no room to maneuver.
When my youngest turned 18 in June it was like a lighting bolt struck my awareness. No longer am I willing to sacrifice my needs for the "greater good". Just to admit I have needs is a startingly realization that I never allowed myself to ponder in the past.
Living so long without love and passion, I feel 84 not 44.
N
Living in the moment  |
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| khaz
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
8301 Posts
Gratitude: 471
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Posted - 09/17/2011 : 22:20:14
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Hi Nancy Anne
I've been through detox twice.
Smoked dope daily for 20 years and drank a bottle of wine most days.
It was only when I went psychotic I literaly ran into an ER telling them lots of strange things and the story of my aaddiction was out.
Some one mentioned you were enjoying you adiction...I was but I felt trapped too...I'd start smoking at 6m and finish by 9pm....was a pretty mellow Mum...lol
I was clean for about a year and then on my birthday hubby bought some home and that was it again....then the drink came on board again too then I jumped into the pool and brke my ankle...went to pdoc, confessed my sins and he detoxed me again.
My husbnd does everything....now I have mental illness I have been shafted fom my job, the cooking, the shopping....my horse had to be put down...so she no longer needs me and I have to make a new life for myself apart fom visiting beauty parlors.
You were so brave to ask for help....I thought about it for 20...years....and my advice is keep your coffee...I have...even bought a cuppaacino machine....miss my wine but every now and again I have one...glass that is...
I can relate to your list of addictions...forgive yourself...we were self medicating.
Well done and if you fall off the wagon it just means its time to hop back on again.
You are young.
Love
Khaz
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| nancyannee
Super Member (250+ posts)
641 Posts
Gratitude: 149
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Posted - 11/27/2012 : 08:09:54
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quote:
Originally posted by khaz
Hi Nancy Anne
I've been through detox twice.
Smoked dope daily for 20 years and drank a bottle of wine most days.
It was only when I went psychotic I literaly ran into an ER telling them lots of strange things and the story of my aaddiction was out.
Some one mentioned you were enjoying you adiction...I was but I felt trapped too...I'd start smoking at 6m and finish by 9pm....was a pretty mellow Mum...lol
I was clean for about a year and then on my birthday hubby bought some home and that was it again....then the drink came on board again too then I jumped into the pool and brke my ankle...went to pdoc, confessed my sins and he detoxed me again.
My husbnd does everything....now I have mental illness I have been shafted fom my job, the cooking, the shopping....my horse had to be put down...so she no longer needs me and I have to make a new life for myself apart fom visiting beauty parlors.
You were so brave to ask for help....I thought about it for 20...years....and my advice is keep your coffee...I have...even bought a cuppaacino machine....miss my wine but every now and again I have one...glass that is...
I can relate to your list of addictions...forgive yourself...we were self medicating.
Well done and if you fall off the wagon it just means its time to hop back on again.
You are young.
Love
Khaz
Oh my, I re-read this post spaning since I joined MyTherapy in 2007.
Sue you are a marvel having gone through so much. Thank you so much for the much needed clarity. Knowing what I need to do and having the gumption to do it....two different things....I am hoping this go around I get it right.....
the beautiful thing is I have someone out there waiting for me that brings me ALIVE.
peace all
nancy
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I am an addict
