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Schizophrenia Community
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hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5726 Posts
Gratitude: 435
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 Posted - 03/29/2009 : 03:04:57
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The following is partly to vent my story in a safe place. And partly because I am hoping people will respond with your stories of paranoia and other so that I can know that I was not the only person. I will begin by saying I am fully recovered now and have no symptoms at present.
I had my breakdown in 2001 after 9/11. I began to believe that people suspected me of being a terrorist. In my psychosis I believed that people thought I had killed the real me and was an imposter/terrorist. My parents had become convinced that I was an imposter and my friends were also convinced.
I believed that everyone around me was wearing an ear piece so that they could listen to my thoughts. The objective was to listen to my thoughts so that they could figure out if I was an imposter or not. I found the process of people listening to my thoughts very stressful. And I found that my brain would succumb to the pressures of people waiting for some mistake - and I would make confessions against my will that I was really was an imposter and a killer.
As time progressed my delusions got more involved. I believed that television was about me and that I was a super star with people on talk back radio discussing me and whether I was a terrorist around the world.
With people listening to my thoughts - I would make periodic broadcasts to anyone who was listening to protest my innocence and give logic as to why it was impossible. Most of my protests of innocence centred around DNA testing. And assuring people that if they tested my DNA it would match my parents. And that my finger prints would match finger prints on documents I had signed with the bank in previous years. People seemed to pay more attention to my confessions than DNA evidence though.
Then the game became more twisted and convuluted. The following is difficult to explain but I will do my best. I forgive you if you can't follow it. I then became worried that I might be in a conspiracy theory. My parents were in on it. The government was in on it. My parents might be government agents and had been following instructions from the government for my whole life and I was a secretly adopted child whose DNA didn't match my parents. It was planned to be this way so that they could "discover" a terrorist and prove in the benefits of broadcasting someones mind for security purposes. This whole thing had been decades in the making. I hope that made sense. I have re-read it and I am afraid it doesn't but it was very real at the time.
I think the craziest thing that happened during my psychosis is that I began to believe that if I could remember the name of a former fellow school student from a photo that people would believe in me. So I took the photo to a hypnotist and tried to get him to put me into a regressive state so that I could remember his name. The hypnotist wasn't really into it. Maybe he realised that I was a freak. He gave me some exercises to do on my own. They actually worked and I remembered the kids name. But it didn't help end the game or peoples belief that I was guilty.
Things ended happily enough when I got treatment and as I say I am symptom free at present.
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| mae
Super Member (250+ posts)
992 Posts
Gratitude: 108
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Posted - 03/29/2009 : 12:32:59
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Hi hercules21,
I am so sorry that you have to live with such horrible paranoia. I struggle with alittle bit of it but not as much as you do. I always think that people are following me and monitoring my every move once I leave the house. Every time I see someone on the cell phone I think they are calling the cia or fbi about me and talking about what I am doing. I have to constantly tell myself that it is not real and they are just talking to their friends or family or work but it can get frustrating. Some days are better than others. Just remember that it is not real what you are thinking. The tv and radio do not have contact with your brain. Reality sometimes is hard to live with but it is better than fantisy.
mae |
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5726 Posts
Gratitude: 435
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Posted - 03/29/2009 : 23:43:29
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Hi Mae,
Thanks for your thoughtful post and for sharing your story. Luckily I am fully recovered at the moment and don't have any symptoms left. I will edit my original post so that I mention that.
Thanks again for your post |
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5726 Posts
Gratitude: 435
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Posted - 12/26/2010 : 02:34:30
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It is the end of 2010 and yep that is the story of my psychosis I actually kept a diary and wrote about my experiences every day for two years. I might try to brush it up and get it published one day.
I am bored today and am going through old posts.
"Mrs Morel always said the after-life would hold nothing in store for her husband: he rose from the lower world into purgatory, when he came home from pit, and passed into heaven in the Palmerston Arms.". |
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| Medicated
Super Member (250+ posts)
925 Posts
Gratitude: 18
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Posted - 08/21/2011 : 15:01:55
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You are definitely not the only person. What I'm impressed with is how clear and succinctly you have encapsulated your experience. I understood everything, or at least, I think I did. Could you explain how or why you thought your parents and friends thought you were an imposter? I mean, for me, I generally believed things based upon cues I received from the outside environment (and then I would take them in and do all this referential thinking and make links that were supposedly not there etc...) So what kind of things would they say or do that made you think that they thought you were an imposter? Just curious, you don't have to answer.
My delusion about snipers was linked to the hospital that had, on the 6th floor (psychiatric ward), a direct view to my parents house and my room in that house. I live about 4-5 blocks away from the hospital I was involuntarily hospitalized in. So I thought it was easy for people to view me and observe me from far away, and I sniped a lot of people as a teenager in a game I played called Quake so I thought it would be retribution for me to be sniped from far away as well.
Additionally I thought I was destined to be with this girl I met (see my intro thread) because of other headlines like "Power Couple in <my city>". It was probably part of my grandiosity; I really thought I was going to accomplish something great, or would try to, after I was reunited with this girl. Work towards something like world peace and prosperity, etc etc...
Anyways, I have also been symptom free after taking my meds for over a year now, closer to two. Glad to hear you're doing ok too.
Also, I am on the fence about whether the television is in contact with your brain or not. I think it's just an experience with the divine/major life coincidences when things are related like that. Anything's possible, but you're right, some things are more likely than other things and tv/radio communication is a very inefficient way to communicate... but an efficient way to mess with someone's head. I used to call this implicit communication; more on those delusions another time :D |
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5726 Posts
Gratitude: 435
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Posted - 08/22/2011 : 01:31:29
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Yep similar for me - people would say something about me and then smirk They might name a different part of the world and say it and then go red in the face.
I don't think is was conincidences - I think that I hallucinated the blushes and the smirks.
I am very happy you are symptom free.
I will keep this reply breif as I want to get off the computer by 8:30 as it keeps me up at night if am on it too long.
WIth regards to TV - my theory is that
1) a person with sz reads too much into what the TV is saying and hence derives messages
2) We hallucinate 10% of what they say
I am pretty confident about the hallucinations. Watching TV one week after I went on to medication - sometimes TV would be about me and then all of sudden the meds would kick in and it would stop being about me. It was like night and day.
OK that is my time limit up talk to you soon.
Hercules
"Mrs Morel always said the after-life would hold nothing in store for her husband: he rose from the lower world into purgatory, when he came home from pit, and passed into heaven in the Palmerston Arms.". |
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5726 Posts
Gratitude: 435
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Posted - 08/23/2011 : 00:19:20
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Just adding to my answer of yesterday - when a coincidence would happen I would have a strong physical reaction to it in my brain. I wouldn't just react to it intellectually. I would be actively alarmed by seeing thee people in a row wearing baseball caps on backwards and wonder what meaning it had for me.
But I think the hallucinations were key for me - I would have people basically confirm for me that my delusions were real - for example I was dreaming about the word kinesthetic involvement. And then my mother got up in the middle of the night and punched my bed and said kinesthetic involvement. To me that meant she could read my mind. I confronted my mother about it and she says she came nowhere near my bed.
So I hallucinated this.
I think every time my subconcious mind neeeded to up the ante in the delusion it played a trick on me.
Not every one of our members agree with my theory about delusions and hallucinations. One of our members had profound conversations with God and he believes they were real even though the medication has stoppped the conversations.
Lastly - that girl must have made quite the impression on you in 2.5 hours. I am glad you didn't stalk her or anything embarrassing during your illness.
Talk to you soon,
Hercules
"Mrs Morel always said the after-life would hold nothing in store for her husband: he rose from the lower world into purgatory, when he came home from pit, and passed into heaven in the Palmerston Arms.". |
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| Medicated
Super Member (250+ posts)
925 Posts
Gratitude: 18
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Posted - 08/23/2011 : 02:07:59
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LoL, first of all, I have done so many crushingly embarrassingly things (illness or not) that stalking this girl would be the least of my embarrasments.
I have never really questioned whether I have hallucinated or not; I believed that I have never hallucinated anything (voices or visual - thoughts are another thing), but reading your post has made me question some of my own experiences. For example, after fighting with my parents and spending some time contemplating throwing myself into my local river, I ended up at a McDonalds into the wee hours of the morning. There, I spent a few hours just "people watching", and to my shock, seeing younger versions of my friends, ex girlfriends, and even myself. I eventually confronted one flame over facebook about whether she was ever at this McDonalds but she claimed that only her sister was in my city/town, not her. Other than her, all of these other "clones" would not have known me, unless it was through another connection that science has not yet proven.
But a few things about these clones/lookalikes/similar people: I was only able to identify them because they wore clothes and shoes (for example) that matched the fashion of the people I knew directly in my life. My ex-gf always wore a certain type of shoe and this younger version of her did the same. On top of that, my ex-gf loves chocolate milk and so did this little girl, when she ordered it. It was un-****ing-believable. There were more: my ex roommate showed up speaking in a different language, but applying to work at McDonalds, and other people from my past would show up and eat by themselves, not acknowledging me, but I wouldn't acknowledge them either.
And finally the coup de grace, a younger version of MYSELF showed up, wearing the same kind of bomber jacket I used to have, same colors and everything. And THEN, McDonalds started playing "cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon" and I lost it (the kid had a blue and grey jacket and I felt so alone at the time). Tears started streaming down my face as I stared at this little boy that could've been my son or a younger version of me. I couldn't NOT acknowledge this one, and I followed the woman and the child to her car and I asked whether we had ever met (because even though we hadn't, I was convinced I must've slept with her or something to have this kid). A short conversation later, they left because there was nothing more ot say or to prove; the boy behaved just as I would have, playing a ****ing hand-held video game and keeping his head down, as I asked his mother where his father was. (She mentioned a town about 6 hrs away that could've meant nothing as it was a Saint something or another)... more on religious connotations later. But basically, this was a few short days before I was hospitalized. If I was sick a few days later, I was probably sick then as well. But to hallucinate entire songs (without knowing the lyrics) and people as well? I don't think so...
No offense, but have you ever considered whether your mom actually was near your bed, but is denying it for whatever reason? I think the ex-flame of mine who denied being at the McDonalds (the girl stared straight at me for some time) was there, but is denying it now... but whatever... I don't believe in mind reading personally, but it is not out of the ordinary to place a thought into someone's head... For a famous example, if I were to say, Don't think of an elephant right now... what are you thinking of? ;D
Anyways, because of this experience with similar people, I believed that the girl I met on the bus was most similar to a famous actress, who I basically stalked via the legal public channels (ie, I let the paparazzi do the work). Which only lead to more coincidences and failures on my part. And absolute terror, in some cases, as I could hardly believe what was happening to me and being placed "on the spot" to either make a leap of faith based upon nothing but suggestions or to try to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground, but leading to inaction when action was called for.
Am I making sense here? I have never really fully vocalized all of my experiences other than to doctors and friends and even then, it was a long winded experience and I have cut many corners here, giving out my story in bits and pieces. And bits and pieces it is, because it has been so long and I can only remember the most striking examples. Plus I have met so many sick people who talk and make SOME sense but not COMPLETE sense (like varying degrees of word salad and such) that I am worried that I will be struck dumb someday or soon or slowly, and will become much like them, even though I have my medication and am symptom free.
Thanks for listening though, and thanks to the Doctor who made this site, because I will hopefully re-use my posts to put all this back together in one big piece.
And about that girl, I was asked what my plans were after leaving the hospital and all I could come up with was to say that I was going to find this girl, that's all.  No wonder they didn't let me go lol
I hope this other member wrote down those conversations with God because it's possible that they were very insightful... Hell, one person wrote and published a book called "Conversations with God" and it was basically him talking to himself... (capital Him or Himself??? I dunno). I still think my experience was one with a power greater than myself, God or otherwise... It's common to attribute things you don't understand to the divine or magic. It's simply beyond my understanding right now, but I hope to grasp it one day (in a way that precludes me from being insane, of course).
We'll see, I guess..., if it's worth it or not,
Medicated |
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5726 Posts
Gratitude: 435
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Posted - 08/23/2011 : 23:40:22
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I will give you a long answer but I might do it tomorow if I am at home sick or on the weekend. I only have time for a couple of paragraphs during the weekdays as I get home at six and have to unwind and get ready for the next day.
Your answer is intriguing and I want to sink my teeth into it.
"Mrs Morel always said the after-life would hold nothing in store for her husband: he rose from the lower world into purgatory, when he came home from pit, and passed into heaven in the Palmerston Arms.". |
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5726 Posts
Gratitude: 435
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Posted - 08/24/2011 : 02:55:13
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A small response for now -
Some stories that I have read on MT
1) "I thought something sexual about the girl sitting next to me and she turned and slapped me in the face and walked off"
2) "I was alone in my backyard - thinking some thoughts - and then my neighbour yelled at me in an angry voice shut the hell up".
From a personal perspective I know I had hallucinations - for a start
My mother walked through the living room but she looked like a ghoul and was 7 foot tall.
Another time I watched her walk to the washroom and she had no face instead there was a faceless void.
So if I can have large hallucinations like that why can't I have small hallucinations like someone laughing at me when they didn't.
Finally the seminal moment of my recovery.
I was talking to a woman in hospital and had been on olanzapine for two weeks. I thought in my head "I am a murderer and a imposter" and she went red in the face and smirked at my mistake.
But wait - suddenly she wasn't red in the face and she wasn't smirking at all.
I don't know how to explain this - but one millisecond she was smirking the next frame that reached my eyes her mouth was straight and not smirking there was no movement of her lips - just suddenly not smirking. It was all impossible.
I realised that the drugs were kicking in and that she had never smirked. The smirk was a hallucination.
I guess it is one of those things where you need your own personal experience to convince you.
The woman who smirked was an expert on sz - and she said when you are ill - it is all real - you really see everything - and you really hear everything. But your mind is faulty - if you think of your mind like a bookcase - then you start reaching for the wrong book and start reading from it and putting it in front of your eyes or ears.
All for now,
If I have anything more to say I will type another response
Oh - mind reading is not possible - but you begin to believe it is when you see your thoughts keeping appearing on TV or coming out of your professors mouth.
Only you saw the younger you that evening - so I can't comment on whether he had an uncommon resemblance to you or not. And I don't know how rare your bomber jacket is. But if it is all beyond the realms of coincidence then yes anything is possible as the explanation (Except that it was real and it was the mini you).
"Mrs Morel always said the after-life would hold nothing in store for her husband: he rose from the lower world into purgatory, when he came home from pit, and passed into heaven in the Palmerston Arms.". |
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| khaz
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
8301 Posts
Gratitude: 471
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Posted - 08/24/2011 : 14:34:40
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My dellusions were terrorist based because of my heritage.After a couple of years I rang the Islamic womens cente and ofered my life to God...somewhere I had forgotten my kids..I thought the phone, the office and the car were bugged....I would hear things on the radio that were directed at me persnally and TV too...I was trying to save the world.
The other part of my personality was behaving like a slut.
I ws sending and receiving numerous emails.....then I received a death threat.Then I cracked and tried to kill myself.
Can you imagne how I freaked when a woman had the same clothes on as me in the clinic....that coincidence thing big time.
I did get accepted into an ashram in India....fogot about the kids again.
I truly beleive I have a split personality even as though they don't exist.
I also beleived the Unknown terrorst by Richard Fannagan was wrrtten about me...I was a feverent David Hicks supporter....I beleive to this day he made contact me with emails.
Khz |
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| Medicated
Super Member (250+ posts)
925 Posts
Gratitude: 18
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Posted - 08/25/2011 : 17:25:00
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At what point do you not or cannot trust your own senses?
That must have been terrifying, seeing your mother seven feet tall as a ghoul and without a face. It sounds like something out of a horror movie. Because even if you realized that it was a hallucination, if I understand you correctly, it must have been perceived as real as day.
I have never, until now, questioned my ability to observe objective truth. A jacket is a jacket, the color blue is the color blue, chocolate milk is chocolate milk, and sandy blonde hair is sandy blonde hair. It is a leap of faith that I have to commit to in order to write off my experience as a large hallucination. If what I saw, was not what I saw, but what I perceived, then who or what is to say that what I am seeing now is what is being seen? How can I trust the medication is not skewing my perception so that in real life, I have become embroiled in some sort of undesirable position? How do I know that I am not being chained and bound metaphorically or realistically? How do I know that this is not just one big simulation a la Matrix? (oh yes, I went there)  If what I saw was a hallucination, then what else in my life (benign or not) was a hallucination? Is what is real simply what I can prove? And then what is unprovable, subjective reality and subjective truth merely opinion and not fact? I am not a philosopher, but isn't objective truth a matter of consensus among subjective truth(s)? And to reject a subjective truth; is that not the tyranny of the majority?
You don't have to answer any of that because I have more questions than answers and I am not being quite fair. I suppose my key point here is that my previous experience was never a threat to society or wayward from societal norms. But when one doesn't have a job or any job prospects, or if one is perceiving things that are possibly not there, and acting on those perceptions, then one has a problem. One is not a functioning member of society, and is possibly a threat to society. Therefore, this malfunction and threat has to be neutralized with pills and confinement until rehabilitation.
Hercules, I guess you are lucky to have been able to catch the very moment the drugs kicked in. I haven't had the pleasure, so I must confess I am stuck on my experience as being "real" and "real to me" even though there's a strong possibility that they were not real.
Questioning my other delusions, such as feelings of snipers targetting me however, is easy. Feelings can be irrational and unpredictable, and considering my illness, they can border (if not outright cross the line) on being false. Again, I'll never know for certain, but I can dutifully write many bad feelings off as delusions and symptoms of my illness. It's the only way for me to move on with my life. But to question the five senses...I can't imagine living like that, or am alarmed that I possibibly am living that life already.
Thank you for your opinions and experiences, Hercules, it has given me much to think about.
And Khaz, thank you for your input. After reading your post a few times I think I understand what you were trying to say and what you experienced. I know exactly what you mean when you say someone wore the same clothes as you at the clinic. I also know of books and songs and movies that sometimes seem like they are speaking to you. That's part of our illness or our divine inspiration/intervention, however you want to perceive it.
TL;DR,
For now and until later, I am still
-Medicated |
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| hercules21
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
5726 Posts
Gratitude: 435
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Posted - 08/26/2011 : 03:30:09
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quote:
Originally posted by khaz
My dellusions were terrorist based because of my heritage.After a couple of years I rang the Islamic womens cente and ofered my life to God...somewhere I had forgotten my kids..I thought the phone, the office and the car were bugged....I would hear things on the radio that were directed at me persnally and TV too...I was trying to save the world.
The other part of my personality was behaving like a slut.
I ws sending and receiving numerous emails.....then I received a death threat.Then I cracked and tried to kill myself.
Can you imagne how I freaked when a woman had the same clothes on as me in the clinic....that coincidence thing big time.
I did get accepted into an ashram in India....fogot about the kids again.
I truly beleive I have a split personality even as though they don't exist.
I also beleived the Unknown terrorst by Richard Fannagan was wrrtten about me...I was a feverent David Hicks supporter....I beleive to this day he made contact me with emails.
Khz
Do you have the emails? have you re-read them recently?
"Mrs Morel always said the after-life would hold nothing in store for her husband: he rose from the lower world into purgatory, when he came home from pit, and passed into heaven in the Palmerston Arms.". |
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| khaz
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
8301 Posts
Gratitude: 471
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Posted - 08/26/2011 : 16:58:18
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I wish I did Hercs but my husband destroyed the computer....I was even thinking he was in on it....how I wish I had kept them....I'm sure ASIO has a copy...th final email came up in Italian and when I converted it it said THE STING....after months/years of fighting the system my husband just thought I was mad....but then the doctors agreed with him.
When I went into hospital I thought everyone were actors...they kept wanting me to have a bath....to electrocute me....so I just showered.
People would gve me presets and I'd think they were poison.
Then I decided a photographer we met would be my pdoc...hubby was really sad....until he met pdoc...he was the photographer but just as an interest but a pdoc in real life.
How do you explain that.
No one even bothered to try and validate my story...just meds...they dischrged me at 12.00 I was back at 1.00 psychotic...then transferred to a private clinic.
Now hubby says go buy something....but there is nothing I want...thats depression.
Khaz |
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| Salamanda
Starting Member
3 Posts |
Posted - 10/21/2011 : 22:22:45
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| I'm the producer of an award-winning documentary, Crazy Art, about three artists in California who use art to help them cope with and transcend their psychiatric symptoms. The website for the film is www.crazyartonline.com Check it out! The film appeals to family members, mental health staff, and those struggling with psychiatric symptoms. I'm curious what you think! The film really is about letting the three individuals tell their stories about schizophrenia, and how they navigate through it, sometimes well, sometimes with a lot of suffering. |
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| warbird
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)
100629 Posts |
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