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Carolinagirl4
Starting Member
2 Posts |
 Posted - 09/21/2015 : 16:04:37
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Hey, I am about to be 22 and experienced psychosis a few months ago. My mother has schizophrenia and I was smoking a lot of pot prior to the psychotic break. I was hospitalized for about a month and a week. I had extreme delusions about people trying to kill me and that I was responsible for hundreds of people's death. I thought I was going to be taken to prison. I was almost arrested in an airport because I claimed that someone planted a bomb in my watch. I thought I was an international spy working for Obama. I thought I was communicating with the leaders of North Korea and China while I was in the hospital. These are just a few of the hundreds of delusions I had. I also experienced a few auditory hallucinations where I heard gun shots in my head, static from a radio and a woman saying numbers. I experienced two hallucinations where I saw my arm glowing at night and my door frame glowing. The other hallucination happened while I was in the hospital. I saw the IV in my hand turn into an airplane model and I thought it was a sign from terrorists that they planted a bomb in my bed. As you can see I was completely out of my mind. Prior to the psychotic break I never struggled with mental illness other then the occasional anxiety and depression. The reason I am posting this is because ever since this happened, 7 months ago, I feel as if I will never be the same. For the first 4 months out of the hospital I struggled with depression. I went through emotional numbness where I couldn't feel anything at all. I wanted to die almost everyday. I was absolutely miserable. I thought it was a side effect from the antipsychotic invega that I was on but I think it was more just part of recovery. Anyway, I am off invega but am on Wellbutrin and Ativan at low doses. I am not as depressed anymore. I can actually feel again but it doesn't feel like how I used to experience life. I used to be extremely emotional and sensitive and happy most of the time. Now it feels like all of my experiences are muffled or dulled down. It feels like I will never experience true joy and happiness again. I feel like the things that used to be important to me aren't as important anymore. I feel like a chunk of me was taken away. I wonder if I will ever feel the same again. Also I experience flashbacks of the insanity and anxiety I felt while I was in the hospital where I feel like my head is on fire and I am going insane. I guess that's anxiety attacks. But I wonder if those will ever go away. Anyways, if you also are recovering from a psychosis I'd like to hear your experience. It's been hard finding people to talk to about this because most people can't truly understand unless they too have experienced a psychotic break. Thanks for reading.   |
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| Carolinagirl4
Starting Member
2 Posts |
Posted - 09/22/2015 : 14:58:26
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Hey chelle25,
Thank you for sharing. It's encouraging to hear that recovery takes time. Do you feel like you have ever been back to your normal self again? It's hard to explain but I feel like an entirely different person. It may just be a part of growing up haha but I can't help but feel deeply sad about it. I loved my old self. My new self is unrecognizable sometimes. It's frustrating because on the outside I seem normal and like who I used to be but on the inside I feel like my perception has become permanently bleak. quote:
Originally posted by chelle25
Hi Carolinagirl,
Welcome to my therapy.
In 2008 I had a psychotic break. I was 45 years old at the time. It was my first time ever having psychosis. I was in the hospital for a week and put on high dose antipsychotics.
At the time I was put on a steroid medrol pack for my bronchitis and they feel that's what threw me over the edge along with stress from. My job.
I like you felt numb and emotionless. I too think it may have been the drug.
It took me years to recover from psychosis. Even after being on the antipsychotic I secretly still believed my delusions but not to the point of psychosis. I did not dare tell anyone I just kept it to myself.
There is also schizophrenia in my family from my mother and my son.
I started slowly weaning down on my medication with my doctors approval but it took years to do that. I am now on a small dose and stable.
Some folks ask why do t I just go off the drug but I am afraid that since it runs in my family that I've I go off I might go psychotic again. I plan on staying on the small dose as a prophylactic just in case. I can't afford to go psychotic again and miss work.
Psychosis takes a long time to recover from. Give yourself some time.
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Life after psychosis
