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Schizophrenia Community
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| Author |
 Topic  |
| DanielJ8H
Starting Member
8 Posts
Gratitude: 2
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 Posted - 12/25/2010 : 15:27:15
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quote:
Originally posted by spiffer
DanielJ8H,
can you explain what "retarded esp" is or was that meant as an insult to the previous poster? I googled the term and nothing sensible came up. So what's "retarded esp"? I'm really offended.
What I meant is when I first started believing I was broadcasting offensive words/images of sexual and explicit nature I labeled it as my own term as "retarded esp" that is something I distinguished for myself when I was broadcasting such nasty and disgusting things and I would often say that in my broadcasts that I had retarded esp, I would get a couple laughs out of it. I don't literally think having schizo-affective disorder which I have is retarded esp, I realize now that I have issues that could have been with me since birth.
In reality I believe that we are victims of a very special bunch of unseen energies, aliens/spirits/demons whatever you call them, but I know one thing, that they are parasites that feed off of our very spiritual energy. I believe that these entities seek to drive us completely insane until the point where we hurt ourselves or other people if we listen to them. But we can battle against them. If you practice saying the lord's prayer dozens, hundreds, or thousands of times a day, you will feel these energies lessening to try to trick you into thinking their not really there.
If you read the book This present darkness, it paints a grim picture of what is happening behind the scenes that our eyes cannot see, as we must have light reflecting off of whatever it may be to see a physical image. These parasites have no light, they move in shadow and they are very good at staying hidden, feeding off of our very existance while the government labels us as insane and other people view us as lost and know otherwise, but won't tell us.
You know why they won't tell us? Because they have their own luggage, their own demons feeding off them and don't even realize it. These demons communicate through one another through "advanced" forms of telepathy, and feed us horrific images and words that gets sent into the environment around you. If a person does not have a spirit on them, then they certainly feel your vibe to a point and you misinterpret it as them reading your thoughts. There are many uncertain parts of Christianity yes true, but you would be suprised at how strange if you read the bible, how much sense it actually makes to you. Because you are open, you understand more than perhaps some people that teach it.
I believe this is a spiritual problem plaguing the earth and the true facts have been covered up by the government years ago. If you look around you would notice that people never use telepathy on the regular or possibly for anything constructive. So why is it there? What good does it do. You have to wonder how everybody in the world hasnt already just started teaching telepathy to masses of people to use for a greater understanding.
But it is real, it is used in reference with movies Waynes world, Natural born killers, it is mentioned in many books from the 70's like electric acid kool aid test, where straight forward telepathy was being used at concerts non stop, where artists and bands were transformed into beasts and other things that were totally unhuman.
Hasn't this all been said and done before in the past? Open your eyes and look around you.
Who doesn't have issues and their own problems? |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 12/26/2010 : 19:03:52
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Bro Dan,
You are definitely experiencing the same thing I am. It takes extreme concentration to maintain a mind that isn't 'picked on'. I have had the same type of deal happen with the 'telephone'- I can think of anyone in the world......friends, family- even people I never met who surely couldn't know me......(Living or passed)...and they are there, in my head. Usually at this point I am struggling to NOT think some contrary, negative insult......for example, I hear from Jerry Garcia all the time......in trying to not think anything sh***y, I almost always do. It's odd how I can't think of anyone for very long without being insulting and/or offensive in some way, whether I have any ill will or bad intentions toward them at all! Even my closest family and friends and people I admire. As I write this I am hearing "shut your mouth" and "shut the f**k up!". One thing that is common in all 'messages' is that they are never nice or kind. I really wouldn't mind so much if the messages were encouraging, or helpful in some way. That could actually be really cool. But as you pointed out yourself, I always hear things that undermine my relationships....and nothing is sacred. It seems to me, as you also pointed out, that the main goal would be to de-humanize me and grind me down and saboutage me to the point where I go ahead and end it all.......when I think this way 'they' seem pleased and usually just respond "go ahead" or "do it!" Maybe the new goal in life is just to be able to survive through it and despite it as you mentioned. Just now 'IT' said that "you're the saviour, and all you do is _______".......the last part faded out. "IT" seems fond of letting me fill in the last parts of whatever negative statement IT started.
Do they ever 'hock loogies' on you? IT hocks em on me all the time.
I don't know why all these people don't have their own lives and thoughts to worry about!!! Why my mind is so fun to torment!!! I certainly can't mess with any of them......NOR WOULD I, COULD I!!
It's funny how it all started. Since about 1996 I've been living the'hippie dream'. Festies, concerts, jam bands, etc. I have done my share of recreational drugs......MJ every day....used to be legal and grow......LSD......SHROOMS......X...... for like 12 wonderful, enjoyable years. I would ALWAYS come back down from my trips in due time, to what I have always known as 'reality'. Some of those were pretty heavy, and I did 'mix-n-match'- never with any permanent effects, or negative effects. At one Grateful Dead Show (furthur actually) This 'pandora's box' openned up for me and things have never been the same again- I took some unknown quantity of liquid L, had a great time, came back down-as usual, but with this lasting TB situation....I can perform daily duties just fine(except for terror and panic when dealing with this TB around people....I mean, I'm definitely not trippin)....this was just about nine months ago....
I have since had to quit ALL recreational pharmaceuticles_ even my beloved Jane, just in an effort to 'get a grip', and learn to cope with this new 'thing'. Funny how I could go so far on that road, and for so long, without bad effects such as this, and to have it crop up so suddenly.
It's re-asuring to read all of your posts. Thank you so much for the 'fellowship-of-sorts'
Still hoping it's all in my mind and to maybe find some *****tail mixture of psyche drugs to ease the situation for me. Hoping the same for you. Hoping to make it through just one more day.
-JMan
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| lowlyworm
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2755 Posts
Gratitude: 147
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Posted - 12/26/2010 : 23:25:59
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JMan - My psychosis was brought on by drugs too, mostly weed. I smoked a rediculous amount of it up until I ended up in hospital. I'm glad to hear that you've quit that's one of the most important things to aid in recovery in my opinion. Have you been to a psychiatrist about your TB?
Cheers, Lowly |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 12/27/2010 : 09:41:05
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Lowly,
I have been to a Psych-Doc and have been on Quetiapine for about 2 weeks, now. Up to 300mg and still experiencing TB effects. It seems to help me stay calm(er) when the communication really kicks-in and is noticeable. I.E.- I can almost complete a trip to the grocery store without falling into a complete trembling-terror-state.....and it aids a bit in keeping me from being triggered into contrary-negative-thought reactions around people. I have the hardest time with being 'convicted' or 'pinned-with' simple, stupid word associations, in which I don't even believe. (such as racial slander, or war-like thoughts). It's hard (almost impossible) to keep a constant-perfect-clear- state of mind. Funny, I don't really get any (positive)'feedback' when thinking in ways that are good and true to my heart!! Only tons of negative when I slip and mis-think.
Seems like something is trying to make me believe I'm a real loser and waste of organic matter. That's the only way of thinking that is re-enforced.
I'm about to go into town to a doc visit with my ol' Father. So wish me luck.......I'm goin in! We'll see what the outside world has in store for me today. (not like this thing ever really stops- it is just so much worse out in public!)
It is very encouraging to hear that you (LW) did get to the other side of this thing......and I am assuming that once through it is obvious that the TB and auditory hallucinations are NOT really happening.......but are just your brain playing tricks on you......I HOPE....I HOPE......I HOPE!!! You know 'IT' even mocks me when I try to pray!!! It's difficult to get a prayer off with out taunts-jeers-and mockery.
I sure miss the Mary J, but if this is what it does to you.....good riddance!
Wishing you all courage and wellness
"Lord, I miss the good ol' days, but I'm so glad they're gone!" |
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| lowlyworm
Incredible Member (2000+ posts)
2755 Posts
Gratitude: 147
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Posted - 12/27/2010 : 12:23:40
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| Jman, I'm glad to hear that you're on meds. Sometimes it can take awhile for the meds to start working I'm not too familiar with quiatapine. Yes I am fortunate to have found a med that has taken these symptoms away for me. I've been on several different meds over time and many different doses always looking for the one that will do the trick. And in answer to your question as I got better it did become obvious that it was all in my head. When I went through my second psychosis I was aware most of the time that it was all in my head but I still couldn't stop it from happening. Over time with a dose change I was able to drive these thoughts completely out of my head and now I get them vary rarely, and when I do it is in a very mild fashion. Wishing you well in your recovery, Lowly |
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| DanielJ8H
Starting Member
8 Posts
Gratitude: 2
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Posted - 12/30/2010 : 15:23:23
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Yo Jman,
I know exactly what you mean, I had to quit my last job because I was a cashier at a gas station and saw people that I truly felt good vibes and had great conversations with. Everything would be going fine and then it would feel like someone dropped a bomb, "It" would start to imagine the most hideous things about people or say the most revolting insults, and instantly someone would be caught in my vision or thought almost like a tractor beam it was impossible to get out of. People would be trying to leave the store and completely forgetting what they had even purchased and it would take all my mental focus and energy to stay away from these terrible feelings.
I use to smoke MJ and it was awesome it was extremely calming and it would help me focus quite well since I have ADD, but I had to quit that its been a couple months for me now. As for when I'm here at night I still feel like people are floating around coming from down the street or even people I've met at festivals and parties, I use to DJ and be the life of it before all this happened and "It" has ruined my whole life since the past 3 years have gone by. I have a couple quotes for you about these spirits that are implanting good ideas and bad ideas into your mind. Basically when you are seeing anything so visually or hearing things, do you ever notice how its in a voice you are not familiar with at all but is very creepy and its obvious you could categorize it as a ghost?
Thats because its not your own thinking, it wants you to enter a state of mind such as drug induced or terror because it can take full control of you and speak over to people that are friends to this force. People that **** with you have essentially given themselves over to these spirits (unconsciously or consciously) to be with them, and they are chosen "worthy" because they are not against having them in anyway. They even fool the people that think their is something good about these parlor trick like abilities.
There may be earthbound spirits of low vibrations, whom we may regard as devils because they annoy us through mental telepathy. These demons tune in on us through our low vibrations of hate, fear and greed. They can be tuned out with unselfish love, or if necessary be chased away by the stronger spirit of Jesus Christ. (Arthur Yensen)
http://www.near-death.com/experiences/reincarnation06.html
check out that link its very interesting,
ill pray for you Jman, I feel ya bro
Peace
Who doesn't have issues and their own problems? |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 12/31/2010 : 16:09:36
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Man, this just doesn't stop. I've been trying to battle the voices and derogatory commentary by saying the Lord's prayer over and over and by singing favorite tunes over and over. The problem is that that doesn't go very far. The more I over-ride hearing "IT-THEM" like that, the more ticked-off "IT-THEM" seems to get. I hear constant "shut the hell up" and "stop it" and "quiet" and "kiss my ass".....etc.....
The commentary is never nice.
It's terrifying going shopping or out in public anywhere. People are obviously responding to my thoughts, and I don't think I'll ever get used to it. People from various different areas of the store will say "I can hear you...." or "shut your mouth...." or say "I know it's you Garcia....." and i don't know what "THEY" are trying to convince me of, or get me to do.
Is this all a game?......life I mean. It's like I am supposed to decipher some abstract code, or something. I mean, what happens if I do figure it all out? Nothing? I just wish IT would stop!
I mean, trying to not think foul or perverted thoughts in the presence of my grandma......and failing......(I inevitably let something slip).......and getting humiliated by hearing her respond things like "the nerve of you to talk like that!" and "you should be ashamed!" and "how can you think that way?!?".........and lots of "cool it"
I am serious, they respond- usually in my mind and sometimes audibly......like under their breath.......sort of mumbling. But still every one puts up the front like they are not responding, even when asked directly about specific instances.
I am in a constant state of anxiety. Being completely transparent...all the time is too much to handle. Having every little thought and/or impulse under scrutiny is about to send me over the edge for good. For instance, just right now I heard my mother say "how could you?!?".......and then taunts "I can see right through you...." ..........though I'm not even sure what I thought about that's offensive.
I'm starting to believe in all of this. It's just too many coincidences to really be coincident. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to learn to live in a world that's like this- or how much I really want to. Having NO PRIVACY, even in my own mind is just too much.
I wonder if this isn't so much torture because I CARE so much about trying to be a good person. I CARE so much about not saying (thinking) things that are offensive to people. (not that they seem to care, as everything they say is quite SH***y).........One of these days I might just start thinking back the most blatently rude, crass, war-like things I can come up with.......non-stop........fight fire with fire, as it were. Just tell everyone to kiss my a** all day, whether that's how I really feel or not.
I'll tell you guys some fun I was having in the next post.
Til then blessings and Peace |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 12/31/2010 : 17:10:26
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Sitting in the waiting room at the barber shop was agonizing, as the others in there were talking to my mind, as I (as usual)try to keep my mind clear and blank. When I do accidentally think something, like: "he's a mexican" (which was just an observation, nothing racist, mind you.....as I even have some Latin blood in me.) He shoots back the thought: "shut your mouth!" Normally I shrink and get the strong urge to flee the scene at this point.......
This time I just thought......."Come over here and MAKE me!"
Funny, he never did.
In the store later, some guy thought to me: "shut your mouth!" (refering to me thinking, of course) to which I replied "why don't you come shut it!" He didn't do anything.
So, the TB is always active, but it is kinda fun sometimes to defy these mental threats. The only thing that sucks is that I'm really not like that......I'd much rather be friendly......and, It's not so much fun to say stuff like that to my mom and grandma.
Anyhow, just tryin to make it through my days and not do anything drastic. Try to have some fun with it someimes. |
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| DanielJ8H
Starting Member
8 Posts
Gratitude: 2
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Posted - 01/01/2011 : 22:16:54
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Hey Jman,
Yeah I've come to realize that these thoughts are the illusions of whatever "it" tries to front on you, whatever "it" is will never offer anything positive when its hanging around you. It might once in a while give you a brief false feeling of incredible positivity and love, which I feel once and awhile and I'm completely in awe almost like I'm composing wave lengths into divine orchestration, as I do it time seems to slow down, and everyone looks like they are noticing, almost enjoying it. But that is really just false and giving you the wrong idea that your really in control of this to give "it" more trust to do whatever it is it may please later on.
I have bad days and good days just like you, that's the problem with this "illness" its as if it were diabetes ect. just diff. I live at my grandmothers and I have the same bull**** happening to me all day, thinking to myself I just can't live with myself when I'm experiencing the thoughts of me picking up a hammer and hurting her or myself in the bloodiest ways, I see "images" as clear as day about this happening, a voice somewhere in subconscious constantly harrassing me saying things about her son who has passed in a drowning incident, saying things like "dannys dead" and "he drowned" in this cruel monstrous voice, or seeing my Dad and having things like "your weak, this whole family is" because he had heart surgery when he was a kid, and when I'm around him also things about his brother when hes making me play this shark game on his new android phone and eating people and having this emotion plow over me like he knows what I'm relating that feeling to and him getting uneasy ect.
I go to church and right before the sermon I see the pastor up at the front and I get a picture of him naked and his tone of voice changes and looks down, then back up at the 200 people in the room saying "oH, continuing on," ect and when I'm singing hymns it feels like if my mind drifts everybody gets off key and is waiting for me to get back. 
Afterwards the whole time I'm closing my eyes and saying the lords prayer over and over and over again. I say it when I'm alone to myself out loud so my thoughts match what I'm saying, and I can kinda memorize what my voice sounds like, and when I get in a hairy situation I just never let on. I've done the whole thing with the wars and all, and not caring is a definate way to deal with the problem it can possibly make it go away. I find I always am battling no matter what I do though, even if I say "Come over and make me," I still feel like I'm having issues with myself through the bad thoughts or words "it" is broadcasting or inserting into my fellow man, because I do care wayyyy to much as well, that's just the way I am and that is my nature.
Its all a bunch of lies bro, those feelings are immitated and untrue,
Every single persons soul is good, but there are low vibrations that pick on you if your extremely sensitive and can make reality into a complete alusion to the point it looks like a total mirage.
http://www.indianexpress.com/news/katy-perry-made-brand-propose-telepathically/642833/
The link is about Katy Perry wanting Russell Brand to propose to her through telepathy. It says they looked into each others every night for a long time and Katy would be saying "Please ask me, please ask me." and Russell Brand was saying "Your the most beautiful woman I ever seen." Their telepathy was conflicted and they were not actually hearing each other correctly after all.
So in fact, the whole time they were trying to communicate that one simple thing back and forth, they could still not totally understand each other. I believe that there is bodies of energy are aiding people to communicate through telepathy, but when it is used for good on occasion, the message is misread. Also I don't totally believe people are hearing what you say, I think you might have heard their voice and these spirits are creating an illusion of their voice to you. They might be able to get a word or a letter at the most, but what you are probably doing is firing off a vibration of fear based on the illusion you are given. Then that feeds the ability to torture you, you have to totally forget the fear,anger, and greed focal points in your life and these demons will slowly dissipate and be much weaker or completely go away.
I have much to do in the ways of purifying myself, I try not to masturbate as much as I use to, it just creates havok, but sometimes I actually find security in remembering it sometimes if it just starts flowing, and I will just imagine TITTIES and sometimes get some funny reactions and enjoy myself at the same time 
But yeah I know what you mean. As long as we got a home base and supportive people I'm not going to do anything drastic and if worse comes to worse, there is that age old saying, **** off you ****ing |=uckers!!!!
 and Peace
Who doesn't have issues and their own problems? |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 01/02/2011 : 12:47:36
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Yeah, you got it too D-Man,......no doubt about it.
It is just plain frightening to me for some reason. I have always been "hippy-ish" - seeking truth and enlightenment. In fact many of the things that terrify me now have been things I believed all along. (the 'group mind' - mother station, we are all closely linked and inter-connected etc.....). However, I recently seemed to open pandora's box so-to-speak.....where now these are not theories and hypothesis, but seeming to be the new 'reality'. I have not been holding up so well to the starkness of this now that it seems to be the way it actually is. Things that were automatic before, like lovin all people.....being a brother to bros and a friend to all is almost impossible- I'm saboutaged in all relations....and maintaining "good" thoughts takes all my effort. It doesn't come easy or natural anymore....I'm like a panick-stricken deer in headlights. I was much more comfortable with the illusion of privacy, and having my own mind- and now I wish with all my heart that I could go back, or to realize that this is still just residual hallucination.
When all thought and actions are already KNOWN......there is no longer any reason to do anything, persue anything, talk about anything......there is no more fun or mystery and I wonder what the point of living is anymore.
It still freaks me out when: My mother drops ice on the floor from the freezer, and the TV says "iced it".......I pick up my guitar to practice and the TV says "try the guitar"......I walk through wal-mart and a stranger says "whattup, Jason"......I am at a bar and I think about toasting the cat next to me out of friendship, and the dude LIFTS HIS MUG TO ME!......I am in the doctors office and another guy in there says out of the blue, "yeah, he smokes american spirits" (which I do)......It just terrifies me......this stuff happens all day and night. I wish I could go back to enjoying life the way I used to. I wish I could have my mind back......It's like I'm on the big stage 24-7.......there is no dressing room privacy. 100% transparency. All is already known. Really sucks. This is not freedom. This is not peace.
Looks like we're in it for the long haul!
Thanks for sharin.....thanks for carin
Looks like we're in it for the long haul |
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| DanielJ8H
Starting Member
8 Posts
Gratitude: 2
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Posted - 01/02/2011 : 19:19:37
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Waddup Jman, yeah another day in paradise right haha. Yeah that transparency thing with all actions or thoughts known, I know many other people have privacy of mind at least to some point. I wish everyday I could go back to what I had before just to have my own thoughts, I can't even play an online game with people talking to me through the game randomly typing my name and saying "no peaking, you better hide your ugly head", and I feel like I'm being pressed by 5 or 6 other people, as well as just even being in a chat room and feel like I am seeing and feeling another persons soul thousands of miles away. I don't want to spend the rest of my life imagining my room as the only safe place I have, I can't watch live tv, I could never think about going to another live show again, so far at least. It is going to be hard not to continually think about ending my life which happens all day when I'm wishing I could still talk to my old friends and have a normal relationship with them, it is heart breaking.
The only reason I won't commit suicide is it won't help your situation, you'll only have to have another life and try to learn the same lesson, which I believe is perseverance. No matter how bad it gets, even when its bad your soul is learning. I don't think when we go again we will have to deal with this **** and we can get through it. That's the only hope I really have. Supposedly many people believe that past, present, and future are coming together and totally fusing in october 11th, this year. Some people would believe were processing our bad karma for that time so we are ahead of the game if that is true, AND I think its possible that we are processing other peoples karma just by being around them and being so open, that it rubs off on us and we recycle it without them knowing.
Anyways, just ideas and such but I believe there is a good reason for all of this, life is gonna get better dude, taking meds till that time right along with you, if I find a time machine, you'll be the first person I take with me Hahaha
Good luck bro mon
Who doesn't have issues and their own problems? |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 01/03/2011 : 10:38:34
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BroD,
Dude, I feel like I'm paying for some kind of horrible crimes, that I didn't commit....(or like I commit them without knowing or wanting to- just sitting on the couch at home.)
Some input I got from other forums like this one are kinda helpful. There is one person who keeps responding to me, and has gotten past all of this......she is insistant that the voices and dialogue are self projected. Meaning that dude, they come from ourselves. I would like very much to beleive this.....with all my heart, really, but it does seem to be just too real to dismiss so easily.
By real, I mean, check this out.
I was walking up a long flight of stairs, coming up from a beach around San Francisco....(this is a true story). This was a few months ago and I was at about the PEAK of my terror in dealing with this. Anyhow, in front of me was an attractive east-indian girl, maybe about 30 feet ahead. As I was walking up the stairs behind her I started to smell curry. Tasty-yummy curry as in tikka masala or something. There was no doubting it.
Anyhow the stairs made a bend to the right up ahead and she vanished from sight around the bend. I kept smelling the curry.....and as I rounded that bend a minute or so later, I looked up ahead, and there was nobody in sight.......the smell sensation disappeared also. The oddest thing is that there was no where on the trail for her to disappear to. I mean the trail was long after the bend and no sign of her, anymore.
The point of this story is that I am starting to think that my brain actually hallucinated her......and the curry smell I was perceiving when I was watching her climb the stairs ahead of me.
I have read about (gustatory hallucinations).....hallucinations where you imagine taste or smell.....and thinking back on this story, I think it might be a case of that. But the creepy thing is that it SEEMED SO REAL!!! Impossible to differentiate between any other person walking the streets, or any smell of incense or anything else I have ever smelled.
With this in mind, it is easy to imagine that the constant voices and reactions/ responses to my thoughts can also be projected from within myself and/or hallucinated.
This is what I try to remind myself of all the time. As real as it all seems....(and believe me it seems real, all the time) it is possible for my brain, which interprets and constructs ALL that I percieve, can be tricking me in these ways too.
Anyhow, be strong, bro(s) {and sis(s)} ....
I'm gonna have to brave a trip into town and the store.....dreading it as usual, but I gotta bear it. We'll see what kind of **** the world has in store for me this time.  |
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| DanielJ8H
Starting Member
8 Posts
Gratitude: 2
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Posted - 01/03/2011 : 22:02:46
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Hey Jman waddup bro,
I read your post and I have had similar experiences with the different scents and visual images that seemed quite real and I wasn't sure, I would absolutely love to imagine I am creating even physical images that would explain all of this and what is going on in my mind, it would make me feel a lot better, and I do think about it like that on some levels I just think all of the events that coincide with what I'm thinking is absoulutly intense. But then again there are a lot of people in the world that have this type of thing happening to them and they love the effects, some people even love all of the negative things as well and get a kick out of them to boot.
That would absoulutly be wonderful to believe that dude, and as a matter of fact I read something today that in order for someone to receive a message, they also have to send it. The government apparantely tested this theory in experiments, that thought broadcasting would only work if the receiver was also the sender thus defeating the purpose of it altogether. Maybe its possible for someone to suggest an emotion to you in public, since most people are empathic you catch that energy or feeling, then depending on your response they can feel that emotion back and know you have some sort of guilt if your displaying it. I dunno for sure but there definately seems to be some kind of connection but the article I read gave me some peace of mind in that fashion.
But yeah J-man I'm hoping your right in all of this and I am only imagining this bizarre crap, I feel like I'm paying for sins or sins I haven't even committed its like recycling B.S. in a loop but I got a couple places I have to go tommorrow and I'm gonna keep all this in mind when I go, thanks for checkin up mane, and good luck to everyone else with this harrowing illness.
Peace
Who doesn't have issues and their own problems? |
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| JMan73
Starting Member
15 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 01/05/2011 : 14:01:13
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I keep telling myself that I'm hallucinating all these mental voices......some of them are vocalized out loud......people commenting on my thoughts......like nobody has anything else to think about themselves. The world has become a very scary and very unfriendly place......The psychiatrist tells me that my mind is making this stuff up......but it is very hard to believe. He says he won't perscribe anything to help me with my high anxiety and fear of social activities and interaction, until he gets ahold of the 'psychosis' .......I really need a quick anti-anxiety aid, for when I'm having a bad episode......(like right now)............I'm tired of the telephone, I'm sure they just want to break me. To grind me down into nothing. I'm starting to be afraid of people that I trust and love......it's like I don't want to think anything that would hurt them or be against them, but occasionally It seems like I don't even have control of my thoughts.
I try to keep telling myself it's hallucinations, but mostly it is starting to seem to real to deny...........I'm not Jerry Garcia..........I'm not Jesus or the saviour..............I need them to leave me alone, but they won't. I just keep telling myself it's not really what's going on......that my mind is malfuntioning......but it's hard to deny what I perceive.
I hope you all do better at this than I do.
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| dynamo
Starting Member
13 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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Posted - 01/05/2011 : 22:36:07
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quote:
In reality I believe that we are victims of a very special bunch of unseen energies, aliens/spirits/demons whatever you call them, but I know one thing, that they are parasites that feed off of our very spiritual energy. I believe that these entities seek to drive us completely insane until the point where we hurt ourselves or other people if we listen to them. But we can battle against them. If you practice saying the lord's prayer dozens, hundreds, or thousands of times a day, you will feel these energies lessening to try to trick you into thinking their not really there.
Yes... we are victims... TB is very real, we are just victims... But these entities are everywhere, they are the people around us. I really don't trust anyone at all. You are doing fine, with your prayers. But I'm not that kind of person, I'm the kind of person that fights back. I have my own ways of doing it. You mentioned something about parasitic activity and you hit the nail on the head. After I realized that some years ago, I was able to find out ways of attacking them. Now they hate me, I just know that by looking at them. They pretend they don't think about it, but it is something they can't hide. After 2 years of fight, I've also been attacked, mentally tortured, some people stopped talking to me.
But I don't regret it, really. I feel proud of myself and I know I'm strong and I know I can always move forward. I tried to piss them off creating my own language, so they couldn't know what I was thinking and I also mastered the disguise of the meanings and feelings. But I tell you, they are very worn out, tired, without energy. They know I'm not easy, they know I can erode their lives in many ways. But what pisses them off the most is that I'm not tired, worn out or weak. I'm radiant.
But well, I just want to be left alone... Alone with my own language and my new identity. I created a new way they couldn't take advantage of me, this language was just the beginning. I would try to scare them off with unpleasant thoughts. But they don't want to let go. I know it... because even if I'm doing my things normally, I know they haven't given up. Today for example, I went to my hospital where I take my classes. At the subway station people keep staring at me with their outraged eyes (I was very clean and wearing my white pants, and shirt, very normal) all I could do is look at my lap or the floor. Some people I talked to yesterday in good terms, seemed pissed off today and didn't talk to me much for no reason. My brother and I went for food while my father waited inside the car. While I was waiting for the food, I could see my father closing his eyes and bending his head forward. Like I told you before... many people around me do that throughout the day. Some people open their eyes and adopt a normal position just as I look at them. Then I come home, and after a couple of hours go downstairs and see my father sitting on the sofa very serious and upset. I really don't know what's his problem. But this environment is pretty obvious. You have to take into account I'm doing my things (school, daily life) just as I have ALWAYS done them before, without uttering a single word about psychotic delusions. But this tense environment wouldn't have existed 2 years ago, before I decided I would kick the sh!t out of all of them. And believe me, I did it and they are MAD. I know they are mad, because sometimes they crash their cars against my father's, not very violently, but still... Or sometimes they cuss us out while my father is driving.
They have a lot of ways of getting back at me... Just as I have many ways of getting back at them. Our relationship is very destructive, but it's their decision of not leaving me alone for good that keeps this vicious circle going on.
Anyway, I fell in love... my love is the only person I trust right now. We met after I was having my revenge for some horrible things they did to me before. I was having casual encounters all over the place and flirting online with strangers and enjoying it very much. I knew it was reckless and dangerous, but I didn't care. I made it look like it was the most fun, exciting and even sexy thing in this world. At the end, people were very pissed off and furious. That's why then, out of the blue, my love came along... and treated me with love like none of those people who just wanted sex had treated me before. 7 months after we met, I'm still afraid they might use our relationship in order to get back at me. They have done it in the past and it was one of the worst experiences in my life, and the reason I decided to get my revenge. I know if our relationship is... fake or if my love really hates me and they try to hurt me, then I'll try to destroy them. |
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